BEACHCOMBER

100 YEARS OLD AND STILL DISTRESSED BY FOPDOODLES...

TWO days ago, the features pages of this august and indeed August publication included a piece about the 100th anniversary of my very first column. I was far too busy and modest to write it myself and allowed that task to be allocated to a young colleague named Hartston. He’s a pleasant enough cove I admit but a bit of a fopdoodle when faced with tasks of this magnitude and I now realise it was wrong to let him do it.

So I have demanded a right of reply to give the occasion the dignity and gravitas it deserves. So here goes:

Four score and twenty years ago, our fathers brought forth on this newspaper a new column…

[At this stage, we pause because Beachcomber has been distracted by the clattering of hooves as a horseman arrives. The rider dismounts and hands a sealed scroll to Beachcomber.]

Rider: “I bring a message from Lady Clamydia Featherlight-Plume.”

Beachcomber: “Jolly good. Let’s see what Clammy has to say. It’s probably a birthday card, don’t you think?”

Rider: “It’s not for me to say, Sir.” [Beachcomber eases off the wax seal and reads the scroll.]

Beachcomber (reading): “Don’t you mean ‘five score’? A score, after all, is 20, so four score and 20 is five score.” [He harrumphs and turns to the rider.] “Please inform Lady C that my words are based on Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address which is why I spelt out ‘twenty’ just as Abe did with ‘seven’ rather than giving it in numerals.”

Rider: “Excuse me for asking, Sir, but what was Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address? I’ve always wanted to know.”

Beachcomber: “An excellent question young man. The precise address is unknown but I am sure that Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg, Sufficient Address, would have reached him. The American postal services were very efficient in those days. Now as I was saying, Four score and twenty years ago…”

[Once again, Beachcomber is interrupted, this time by the ringing of a mobile phone in a pocket of the rider’s jacket. The rider answers the phone, then addresses Beachcomber.]

Rider: “It’s my mistress’s consort, Lord Plume. He suggests that you could have said ‘a hundred’ instead of ‘four score and twenty’ or ‘five score’.”

[Beachcomber just glares at him and points to a sign on the wall: ‘Photography is not permitted here. Please turn off all mobile devices.’]

Rider (turning off his phone): “Sorry but does that include heart pacemakers? I believe that strictly speaking they should be classified as ‘mobile devices’.”

Beachcomber: “Have you been fitted with a heart pacemaker?”

Rider: “No Sir, but the horse had one fitted after an incident at Becher’s Brook a few years back. It is named after Captain Martin Becher whose horse fell there in 1839, you know.”

Beachcomber: “Of course I know that the jump is named after Captain Becher. Everyone knows that.”

Rider: “I wasn’t talking about the jump, Sir. I was saying that the horse is named Martin after Captain Becher.”

Beachcomber: “Oh leave it to the Fopdoodle.” [Logs off and goes home.]