100 YEARS OLD AND STILL IN A SATISFACTORY MOOD...

ACHAP just rang to tell me of a new food box designed by Monarch Airlines specifically to enhance the mood of travellers. He had caught me at a good moment for my mood had just been enhanced by sipping coffee while nibbling a homemade, chocolate-covered, slothshaped biscuit, so I bade him continue.

“We commissioned a survey,” he told me, “to find out the most depressing and mood-enhancing aspects of travel and holidays.”

“I love surveys,” I said, “and collect percentages. “I trust your survey contains many percentages.”

“Indeed it does,” he said, “for example, nine per cent of air travellers list language barriers as a major mood killer on holiday.”

“That’s hardly surprising,” I said, “for nine per cent of people sort out their finances while watching television. It must be really depressing going somewhere on holiday, turning on the TV and getting financial advice in a language you can’t understand.”

“Well 11 per cent of air travellers list forgetting key holiday items as a major mood killer,” he said.

“And 11 per cent of people expect to be totally or somewhat reliant on the state in old age,” I said. “Do these people really expect the state to help them pack and not forget items when they go on holiday? I’ve heard of the nanny state, but this, I suggest, is going too far.”

Well it’s well behind the 17 per cent who list lost luggage as a major mood killer,” he told me.

“Oh dear,” I said: “that’s rather disillusioning, for 17 per cent of men think that helping other people is very important in a job. Until now, I thought that was a sign of altruism, but in fact it’s only because they hope the other people will help them find their lost luggage.”

“Well 21 per cent of holidaymakers list family arguments as a major mood killer,” he said.

“Again I must say that’s hardly surprising, for I have just seen a survey from the WhatsYourPrice dating site reporting that 21 per cent of men say that they find bottom enhancement the most off-putting type of cosmetic surgery. I can see how a holiday mood could be ruined by a row between a man and his spouse or paramour on the matter of butt-enhancement.”

“Even before they arrive,” he said, most people find travelling to their holiday destination stressful, and 22 per cent say that take-off is the most stressful part of any flight.”

“Now that’s really interesting,” I said, “for I have just received a survey from Electric Jukebox reporting that 78 per cent of parents have tried and failed to persuade their children to spend less time on their personal technology devices. Do you think the 22 per cent who find take-off stressful are the same as the 22 per cent who have not even tried to keep their children off their mobile phones, games, music, email, Internet and who knows what else? Are the other 78 per cent too busy fretting over the children to worry about take-off?”

Having by now finished my biscuit, I left my caller to ponder that question.