100 YEARS OLD AND STILL A SKILLED NEGOTIATOR...

ASENSATIONAL breakthrough has been made in the Brexit negotiations following the PM’s recent speech in Florence in which she proposed a “double lock” on arrangements for Britain leaving the EU. Sceptical Europeans may have speculated that the double lock would only double the current deadlock to a double deadlock but a radical new proposal has now been added that provides a formula for double-breaking any double deadlock in negotiations.

The proposal comes from Prof Norvus Breakdown, who is the holder of and sitter in the Ikea Chair in Contemporary Lifestyle at the University of North Brent (formerly the Outer Wembley Mismanagement Centre), who has in the past advised the Government on a number of vital matters.

“The new idea,” he explained to me, “came to me when I was perusing the changes to the rules of cricket that the MCC have come up with after three years thinking about it. My two-point proposal for the EU talks is simple:

“First, we should note that EU law is at least 400 times more complicated than the laws of cricket, so we should allow ourselves 400 times as long to agree on changes. That gives us an implementation period of 3x400 which equals 1,200 years, a period that clearly shows we are on the right lines because MCC in Roman numerals is 1,200. Never has the Treaty of Rome been stuck to so numerically literally.

“Second, rather than getting bogged down in disputes as we seem to be doing, all unresolved problems will be settled by the Duckworth-Lewis method.” “How would that work?” we asked. “Glad you asked,” he said enthusiastically. “Applying DuckworthLewis to any unresolved issue, we simply take the mean between each side’s bargaining position and the amount they would actually be willing to settle for if the bargaining had been allowed to continue. Then we take the mean of the means. A mean deal is better than no deal at all, you see. We’ll factor in the cost of umbrellas, of course, in case it’s raining.”

“Could you give an example?” we asked. “How about the Irish border.”

“Good choice,” he said. “I’ve worked that one out. What we do, you see, is have two borders, one between the UK and the EU, the other between the EU and UK.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?” we asked.

“That’s the point,” the Prof said triumphantly. “We shall specify a border strip 22 yards wide from the UK to the EU but from the EU to UK it will measure 22 metres which is equal to 24.06 yards. That leaves two yards of disputed territory which we shall fill, for the entire 499km (310 miles) length of the border with left luggage lockers.

“Anyone travelling between the two halves of Ireland will have to leave all their goods in these lockers while the powers that be spend the next 1,200 years working out how much duty must be paid on the goods by one side to the other or vice versa.”

Michel Barnier is preparing a counter proposal based on the game of boules.