100 YEARS OLD AND STILL STICKING HIS NECK OUT...

THE NATION awoke this morning to the shock news of the resignation of Count Dracula, the long- serving leader of the Undead Party in the House of Lords. The Count’s name has been cited in a number of allegations since the Middle Ages accusing him of sinking his fangs into women’s necks and draining them of blood.

In his resignation statement, Count Dracula insisted that all fang- sinking and blood drinking had been consensual but accepted that his behaviour had “fallen below the high standards expected of a party leader and government adviser on blood transfusion”.

The Count had in the past come under criticism for his habit of turning into a bat and flying into ladies’ bedrooms with the purpose of sinking his fangs into their necks. Indeed, he is said to have acquired the reputation of being “a bit of a necks pest” as some of his former colleagues put it. Others, however, have stressed the positive effects of his time in office.

A statement from Go Garlic! the garlic marketing board praised him for his contribution to sales of their product. “Count Dracula’s reputation has resulted in great increase in garlic sales, particularly among women shoppers who do not want to be bitten by vampires,” a spokesperson said. “We are immensely grateful to the Count for never publicly admitting that garlic had no deterrent effect on his behaviour and in fact that he was quite fond of the stuff as French cuisine had always had a strong influence on Romanian tastes.”

The Association of Timber Merchants also praised Count Dracula’s work, particularly his effect on the sales of wooden stakes. “Thanks to his tireless efforts, stake sales experience a boom every time his name appears in the press,” they said. “We are very sad to lose him.”

The Guild of Bat Fanciers, however, has always criticised the Count for giving Chiroptera a bad name. “Only a very small minority of bats are vampires,” they point out, “and people like Dracula give totally the wrong impression. His behaviour over the centuries has come close to undoing all the good that we in general and Batman in particular have been trying to do. Sinking your fangs into women’s necks and drinking their blood is not and never has been the policy of our members. We thoroughly deplore such fly- by- night behaviour.”

In his statement, the Count also expressed his feelings on hearing the allegations being made against him. “I’m beyond horror- filmed [ sic] to hear this. I cannot remember anything I did when transformed into a bat many years ago, but if I did behave as described, I apologise for what would have been deeply inappropriate behaviour. I should, however, like to point out that none of the ladies I am accused of sinking my fangs into complained at the time or suffered any ill effects. Indeed, many of them are still undead today, when they would surely have been deceased by now if I had not bitten them. That can only be seen as an improvement.”