100 YEARS OLD AND STILL NOT REQUIRING SICK LEAVE...

SOMETIMES, when I receive the results of yet another survey in my email inbox, I shudder to think of the great extent to which those responsible for the survey may have missed the implications of their findings. Take a survey I have just received from the good folk at Fisherman’s Friend which tells us that 58 per cent of office workers have had no days off in 2017.

Are they not aware that an earlier survey this year reported that 58 per cent of women have unblocked a sink? Do they not realise why these poor ladies have had to get their hands, or at least their Marigolds, grubby dealing with the blocked plumbing? Has it not occurred to them that if their menfolk had had the decency to take a day off work, they could have behaved like gentlemen and unblocked the sink for their loved ones?

And what about the 58 per cent of 18 to 24 year-olds who are anxious about their ability to cover an unexpected bill? Is it not now clear that they are so worried by the potential plumber’s bill that they are terrified by the money they might lose if they took a day off, so they get their womenfolk to try to unblock the sink instead of leaving the job to a professional?

With all this going on, it can hardly come as a surprise to hear that 58 per cent of people who regularly listen to music are likely to feel optimistic about the future. They go to work to get out of the job of sink unblocking, and when they get there, they clamp headphones over their ears and listen to music to cut out the cruel world and any distressing phone calls from home telling of plumbing disasters. No wonder they feel optimistic. They’ve insulated themselves from all the bad news. But the effect of this is obvious when you realise that 58 per cent of office workers open email attachments from unknown senders. There he is, happily clicking his fingers to the rhythm of the music while downloading business-destroying viruses.

And it gets worse. For 58 per cent of people are embarrassed by eating pizza in public. No wonder! If they’re women, they’re probably eating the pizza with fingers soiled by kitchen waste, which they can’t even wash off properly because the sink is blocked, and if they’re men, they are worried at the potential size of the pizza bill which they probably can’t afford.

When I read that 58 per cent of yogurt buyers do so for health reasons and 58 per cent of people would like to access their health records online, it just serves to confirm this wretched picture. They’re frantic that the pizza at work and unhygienic blocked sink at home will combine to make them ill, despite all the yogurt they’ve been eating, when the doctor will tell them to take a few days off work, and their previously unblemished record on sick days will be ruined.

And what, I hear you ask, of the other 42 per cent who are not part of the 58 per cent? Well in reply, I think all I need point out is that 42 per cent of online gamers in the UK are female.

Well what else do you expect them to do when they’re blithely taking days off work and not unblocking sinks?