100 YEARS OLD AND STILL AIDS DISTRESSED DAMSELS...
MY Dear Mrs May [writes Beachcomber to the PM], As you probably know, it is not my normal practice to interfere in political matters, but it seems to me that you have got yourself into a bit of a tizzy on the Irish question and, having given the matter a bit of thought, I have come up with a solution which I believe may be just the thing to solve all the problems. Indeed, my solution is so simple and so all-embracing I wonder that you or your team of negotiators have not come up with it yourselves, but I gather your time has been taken up with everything you say having to be translated into 27 languages. Anyway, here’s the idea:
The Northern Irish, I gather, have thrown a bit of a spoke in your wheels by saying they don’t want to have anything to do with the Irish Republic, but the Irish Republic say they’ll scupper the EU negotiations if we dare to suggest a hard border between North and South.
Meanwhile, the Scots say they won’t put up with any special treatment for the Irish and they wanted to stay in Europe anyway. The answer is obvious: let’s swap the pro-EU Scots with the anti-EU Northern Irish.
If we do this, there won’t be any need for borders. All of Ireland will be pro-EU, which will surely lead to unification of the island, while across the Irish Sea, all of the island of Britain will be anti-EU and there will be no dissent and an end to all talk about another Scottish independence referendum.
Some trouble-makers will, I feel sure, quibble about the numbers involved. There were, they will point out, only 349,442 Irish votes for leaving the EU (compared with 440,707 for staying in), while the Scots voted 1,661,191 for staying in and 1,018,322 for leaving. My proposal will therefore lead to 349,442 Irish people moving to Scotland and 1,661,191 Scots moving in the other direction. This, the gainsayers will claim, is bound to lead to considerable overcrowding in Northern Ireland and vast empty spaces in Scotland.
That argument, however, is easily dealt with. The second part is scarcely worth mentioning as there is already a vast amount of empty space in Scotland and a little more will not make much difference (as long as we remember to pass ordinances banning Mr Trump from building any more golf courses there), while the alleged overcrowding in Ireland should be seen as a massive boost to the housebuilding programme.
Indeed, with 1,661,191 Scots moving in and only 349,442 Irish moving out, the population increase of 1,311,749 will create a demand for over 570,000 new houses, calculated at a rate of 2.3 persons per household. These will, of course, all be built during a transitional period, during which all revenues will go to the UK.
Well that’s my two pennyworth. I think the plan’s foolproof, which should means that it will appeal to all the chaps at the EU. Do think it over. I’m off to consider important matters such as apostrophes and sea lions.