100 YEARS OLD AND STILL SANELY PURSUES DAFTNESS...

FROM niddle-noddle to infrunite, from cheese-headed to momish, the English language has more than 100 words for foolish but it suddenly occurred to me a few days ago that the word ‘daft’ is not being used as much as it used to. So I decided to research the matter.

The table below charts the number of occurrences of the word ‘daft’ in our database of national newspapers over the past few years, compared with the numbers for ‘stupid’ and the everpopular ‘crazy’. The figures for 2017, of course, are the number of occurrences up to December 11.

These figures show very clearly that while the nation underwent a rapid growth in its acts of irrationality between 2011 and 2012, the figures have remained fairly constant since then, though the average of 65 instances of daftness, craziness or plain stupidity every day in 2016 still gives cause for concern. As I had suspected however there has been a consistent decrease in daftness in recent years with the projected end of year total of 3,156 the lowest since 2011 and down by 32 per cent on the figure for 2013. Since daftness is, by general agreement, the least harmful of all impairments of rational processes, I hastened to put a call through to Sir Hercules Grayselze, under-secretary at the DMA (Department of Mental Acuity). I introduced myself and immediately got to the point: “Are you aware,” I asked, “of the startling decline in national daftness over the past five years?”

“Yes,” he said. “It’s down 32 per cent since 2013. What of it?”

I was somewhat reassured that he was apparently on top of the latest figures but rather alarmed at the brusque nature of his response. “Well what are we doing about it?” I asked.

“A great deal,” he said. “In fact, although the figures for ‘crazy’ have been over 10,000 for the past five years and could even hit an all-time high in 2017 if we incorporate seasonal fluctuations and the usual rise in Christmas idiocy into our projection, you will see that the figures on ‘stupid’ have been kept down to below 10,000 for then past three years, thanks to our putting a cap at that level.

“Is it a dunce’s cap or a jester’s cap?” I asked.

“I’m a minister, not a milliner,” he said angrily. “What does it matter what sort of cap it is?”

“Well if it’s a dunce’s cap, it would probably only work on stupidity but a jester’s cap might be what has caused the decrease in daftness,” I explained.

“I see,” he said coldly. “Well it’s probably a dunce’s cap. You see the figures on ‘brainless’ and ‘mindless’ have also been kept down this year.” “Despite the Brexit talks?” I asked. “Buffoonery in Brussels is all French to me,” he said, and we left it at that.