100 YEARS OLD AND STILL A PERFECT GIFT-GIVER...
FOR almost as long as he can remember, which is a period that sometimes even extends months into the past, Beachcomber has been a fervent adherent of the Julian calendar. The rest of Britain may have switched allegiance to the Gregorian calendar in 1752 but Beachcomber has stuck with the Julian, on the sole grounds that Christmas falls on the date the Gregorians call January 7.
The advantages are numerous: he can recycle the cards he receives by adding the words “and Beachcomber” to the names of the senders; he can drag in other people’s decorations and trees when they throw them out on January 6; he can delay buying all his presents until the January sales.
This also explains why the Beachivations Christmas catalogue has not come out until today. We are delighted therefore to bring some of its best offers to the attention of fellow Julian calendar lovers.
The Apostrophiser: a complete kit for lovers of apostrophes. This includes an Apostrophout! (registered trade mark) to remove errant apostrophes that have infiltrated words that should not have them and an Apostrophin! to recycle apostrophes by inserting them where they have been left out.
The first 100 Apostrophizer kits sold will include a personal message from Sir D’Anville O’M’Darlin’, the Apostropher Royal himself, and a disc including his seasonal hit, An Apostrophe Is Not Just For Chris’mas.
The Beachcomber Home Gym: exercise off those extra pounds without even leaving the kitchen. The gym includes an old-fashioned kitchen balance with weights to be lifted onto the scales to supply all the weightlifting a gentleman could possibly need. A hand-operated coffee grinder and a pasta maker will provide all the additional exercise anyone wants.
Anti-Seal: the perfect gift for people worried by the prospect of sea lions infiltrating the London Underground system and bringing our transport network to a halt. Fully endorsed by K-SLOTT (Keep Sea Lions Off The Tubes), Anti-Seal includes a variety of easy methods to lure these troublesome creatures off trains, including an aerosol dispensing fish oil which can leave a trail out of the station which is guaranteed to lure any sea lion to follow it, plus a polar bear to deal with any particularly difficult sea lions. Warning: not suitable for use against manatees.
Brexit! the board game for 28 teams. The game starts with 27 of the teams allocated to the “In-side” of the playing area, while the other one rolls a pair of dice to move around the “Outside”. Play comprises “Negotiating” sessions, at which nothing is decided and “Unpicking” sessions, dedicated to unpicking any negotiations that seem to be getting somewhere.
Meanwhile, the 27 “In-side” teams meet to gossip about how awful the other team is, and members of the other team do much the same, with the added fun of being rude about their colleagues. Hours, days, months and even years of fun for all, whatever your nationality or political persuasion. No skill needed.