101 YEARS OLD AND STILL MONITORING EVERY PERCENT...

MUCH was written in 2017 about the Brexit negotiations and the effect these may have had on the opinions of the 52 per cent of people who voted to leave the EU. Most of this, however, has been based on little more than speculation, which is why I have decided today to look at the most recent data. Today’s percentage is therefore 52, and here are the relevant facts from the latest surveys:

52 per cent of people who have watched golf find it very boring;

52 per cent of employees expect to be looking for a new job this year;

52 per cent of companies aim to raise pay for their employees in line with (or above) inflation in 2018;

52 per cent of workers say they have an excessive workload;

52 per cent of people cite work as a barrier to volunteering;

52 per cent of people brush their teeth twice a day;

52 per cent of plane travellers are satisfied with British Airways;

52 per cent of all consumer transactions are carried out online.

In view of all this, I have written a short statistically validated story: Mr Fiftytwo leaves Europe:

Mr Fiftytwo was unhappy. He had turned on the television and they were showing golf. “This is boring,” he said. “I’ve had it with this Europe business. I’m going somewhere they don’t play golf,” and he rang to tell his boss he was resigning to look for a new job.

This was a pity, because his company was about to raise levels of pay in line with, or above, inflation, but that would have made no difference. Mr Fiftytwo felt that he had an excessive workload which had prevented him from volunteering for more interesting and socially valuable work. Indeed, it had scarcely left him enough time to brush his teeth twice a day.

“I shall raise my tooth-brushing to three times a day when I’ve worked off my period of notice,” he told himself, and he took down an atlas to try to find somewhere in the world that was outside Europe and where they didn’t play golf.

When he had narrowed it down to a small group of non-EU, non-golf-playing nations, he turned his computer on, clicked on an Internet browser and called up the British Airways site. He knew that 48 per cent of people were dissatisfied with British Airways, but he had never had any problems. The dissatisfied lot, he told himself, were probably on short-haul flights to EU countries. He was looking for something more exotic, but not in North America where he believed they play a lot of golf.

He found there were fewer than 20 UN member nations that supposedly had no golf courses, none of which were EU members though some were war zones. After more detailed research, he found only one acceptable place definitely free from golf.

Returning to the British Airways site, he found a flight he could book online. It went to Rome, which was not perfect, but he was sure he could get a job in non-EU Vatican City, though it might not leave him enough time to brush his teeth thrice on Sundays.