101 YEARS OLD AND STILL REWRITING HISTORY...

TALKING of being 101 years old … The year was 1438 and England’s war with France had been going on too long. The English king, Henry VI, summoned his most trusted advisers for a war council.

“What are we going to do to bring this to a satisfactory conclusion?” he asked them. “This was meant to be a Hundred Years’ War and according to my calculations it’s been going on for 101 years and shows no signs of stopping.”

His principal negotiator with the French was first to reply: “It’s going terribly well,” he said. “I give it about another 15 years and we’ll have it all sorted.”

The King’s war minister then chipped in: “My liege,” he said, “we were pretty peaceful between 1360 and 1369, and again between 1389 and 1415. That’s 35 years of peace. To fulfil our obligation of a Hundred Years’ War, that means we still have another 34 years to go.”

“Hang on,” said the King, “is this a single Hundred Years’ War or a number of shorter wars adding up to 100?”

“That’s one of the things we’re negotiating,” his negotiator said.

“Wasn’t that all sorted out by old Bill Conkers at the Treaty of Hastings in 1066?” the King asked.

“William the Conqueror was not very precise in laying out the nomenclature of future wars,” the war minister said.

“Look,” said the King: “this war is costing a fortune. We’ve got to negotiate an end to it.”

“We thought we were doing so ages ago in the first phase of our negotiations,” the negotiator said, “but then the French King Charles VI went mad and we had to start all over again. It’s all very complex. There’s the business about the rights of Frenchmen who’ve been here since 1066 and the people living in English territories in France such as Guyenne and Calais.”

“I’m still pretty sure that when we started this War business, it was not meant to go on for more than 100 years,” the King insisted. “How did it all start anyway?”

“I think,” said the King’s special adviser on foreign affairs, who had had a good education, “that it was something to do with Queen Isabella of France trying to make our King Edward III the King of France too when his uncle, Charles IV of France died.”

“Wretched women,” said the King. “I might have guessed they had something to do with it. First it was Isabella, now it’s Joan of Arc. They’ll be wanting the vote next and then where will we be? Ridiculous I call it. Anyway, what are we doing about it?”

“Well as I said at the start,” the principal negotiator said, “I can promise that it’ll all be over in another 15 years. I’ve agreed with my French counterpart a transitional arrangement to give both sides time to get used to the idea of not being at war and put into place the necessary requirements for peaceful coexistence and trade and things like that, and decide what to do with all the money we’ll be saving.”

“Does that include votes for women?” asked the King.

“Not a chance,” said his negotiator. And the rest is history.