101 YEARS OLD AND STILL BITING BUNS THOUGHTFULLY...

ARECENT survey has left me very worried about Jaffa Cakes. And before the chaps at McVitie’s write to complain, let me say that I am totally neutral on the long-debated matter of whether a Jaffa Cake is a cake or a biscuit. I only wrote “buns” in the headline because “cakes” would have made the heading spill over onto another line, which would be outrageous.

Anyway, “buns” alliterates with “biting” much better than “cakes”. I suppose “cakes” would have alliterated with “consuming” but then the overspill would have been even worse. But we are in danger of being diverted away from the point.

The good folk at McVitie’s, you see, have done a survey on how people eat Jaffa Cakes which reports that 35 per cent of people use the half-moon technique, which involves taking half at one bite, then scoffing the other half.

To anyone familiar with other surveys this year, that is not surprising for 35 per cent of women go Dutch on a date. I do not know if the Dutch eat Jaffa Cakes but I take it this use of “go Dutch” means that they pay half the bill. It therefore makes sense that when offered a Jaffa Cake they would bite half and give the other half to their companion.

The worry is that another recent survey reported that 67 per cent of people hold financial products jointly with their partners, while the Jaffa survey tells us that 67 per cent of people say they buy one or more packs of Jaffa Cakes a month.

If they share financial products, it makes sense to think that they would like to share their Jaffa Cakes too, which may seem to explain why they are buying so many of them, yet only 35 per cent of people, as we have seen, eat the Jaffa Cake in a way that encourages sharing.

That leaves 32 per cent of people sharing financial products but unable to share Jaffa Cakes. Bearing this in mind, is it any wonder that 32 per cent of UK workers have less that £500 in savings? Clearly they are spending far too much money stocking up on Jaffa Cakes because their partners are too mean to offer them half of each one.

The survey also reports that 20 per cent of people eat their Jaffa Cakes in one bite. This ties in well with the earlier findings that 20 per cent of non-religious people pray, 20 per cent of under-35s have tried a vegan diet and 20 per cent of funerals are simple.

They are probably unsure whether Jaffa Cakes are vegan or not and are praying that they are, so their diet is not broken and are also praying that they don’t choke to death through trying to eat it at a single bite, resulting in an early funeral before their savings have risen enough to splash out on a lavish funeral with free Jaffa Cakes for all mourners.

Finally, the report informs us that 92 per cent of people say they like Jaffa Cakes. I should like to point out that I neither like Jaffa Cakes nor have I ever said that I do. Furthermore 92 per cent of people have not heard of Open Banking, though the only thing I know about it is that people who like Jaffa Cakes haven’t heard of it.