BEACHCOMBER

101 YEARS OLD AND STILL A PART-TIME SUPERHERO ...

THE NATION was facing the greatest crisis in its history and the Prime Minister was rattled. The people had voted to leave Europe but negotiations were going badly. Every proposal we made was cruelly rejected and some people were even suggesting we should have a new referendum offering the choice between having our cake and eating it.

There was only one hope: to call in the services of a superhero fit for the occasion. Is it is bird? Is it a plane? No! In fact it’s not moving at all. For the superhero given the apparently insuperable task of cutting the Gordian knot of Brexit politics was Supersloth.

“Oh Supersloth,” the Prime Minister begged him, “you are the only one who can save us. We’ve tried everything but nothing works. Only a true superhero such as yourself can rescue the negotiations. What should we do?”

Supersloth scratched his fur pensively. Then he moved his head slowly towards the Prime Minister before moving it back again. Then he opened his mouth, but only a yawn resulted. Then he closed his mouth, looked at the Prime Minister again and said: “Have you considered doing nothing at all?”

The PM looked confused. “What do you mean?” she asked. “Surely we have to do something?”

Slothman slowly shook his head. Or would have shaken his head if it had not been too much of an effort. “Let me explain,” he said, and he took a deep breath before doing so.

“You’ve tried doing things but every time you say what you want somebody says you can’t have it and even if they said you can have it you’d only irritate half your own supporters who want something else.

“In all of human history, many things have gone wrong either as a result of doing things or leaving things undone and it seems to me that more disasters have been caused by doing things.

If some fool hadn’t assassinated the Archduke Ferdinand, we wouldn’t have had the First World War. If Hitler hadn’t invaded Poland, we’d have averted the second. If Jack Dorsey hadn’t invented Twitter, we’d have been spared Donald Trump. Need I go on?”

The PM agreed that his argument had logic behind it. “So are you saying,” she asked, “that the answer to our dilemma is to do nothing whatsoever? Isn’t that an abrogation of the trust the nation has put in me?”

“Not at all,” said Slothman. “Not if you do nothing in a purposeful, resolute and knowing manner. Just hang around and leave things to sort themselves out. It’ll probably be OK. If you try to do something instead, it’s most likely to make matters worse.”

“Slothman,” said the PM, “I cannot thank you enough. Your wisdom and lethargy have once again saved the day,” and she headed back to tell the Cabinet what Slothman had advised, saying it was business as usual and they were all doing a fine job.

“What shall we not do today then?” one minister asked.

“Let’s all go to London Zoo in Regent’s Park and see the new baby sloth,” suggested the PM, and in a rare show of unanimity they all cheered.