101 YEARS OLD AND STILL ENLIGHTENING TUNNEL ENDS...

JUST as the Chancellor was delivering his Spring Statement yesterday and talking about light at the end of the tunnel, by the most amazing coincidence I was giving my own spring statement on exactly the same subject. Anyone with an interest in light and ends of tunnels is strongly advised to take both these statements in conjunction with one another. Here is a transcript of mine:

May I say how pleased I am to have this opportunity at a crucial moment in the history of this country’s relationship with tunnels to report good news on our tunnels and the light at the end of them and to announce far-reaching plans to improve matters even further. [Cheers from the staff and residents at Beachcomber Towers.]

I shall comment later on the implications of Brexit for the Channel Tunnel but first let me report that according to the latest figures, we are well on course for the highest rate of light at the end of tunnels since 2015.

So far this year, from January 1 to March 13, there have been 95 references to “light at the end of the tunnel” in the national press. If that rate is maintained throughout the year, there will be a total of 481 lights at the end of tunnels in 2018, which will be a 17 per cent increase on last year’s figure and is exactly 100 lights at the end of tunnels more than in 2016. [Cheers from the admiring throng.]

We must however take great care in interpreting these figures correctly. Light at the end of a tunnel is, after all, less a reason for optimism than an indication that the tunnel is straight. Any bend in the tunnel is liable to restrict the light or turn it off completely. Light, after all, travels in straight lines and if it crashes into the side wall of the tunnel before it gets to us, it will not reach our eyes. This may be caused by curvature in the tunnel itself, or by the rotation of the Earth causing the apparent passage of the Sun through the sky.

My measures to increase sightings of light at the end of tunnels thus comprise a threefold initiative:

First, in order to avoid the problem of the constant changing of direction by sunlight, we shall install artificial lighting at each end of every straight tunnel to shine directly through it.

Second, we shall introduce legislation to guarantee that all future tunnels are straight, thus increasing the chance of seeing light at the end of them.

And third, we shall, after making the proper calculations regarding the curvature of existing tunnels, install mirrors on tunnel walls where they bend, in order to ensure that reflected light can continue to be seen at points beyond the bend.

This last point will also greatly reduce the possibility of mistaking an oncoming train for light at the end of the tunnel, as the placing of the mirrors will result in intermittent light from any train as it progresses down the tunnel.

The Channel Tunnel brings its own problems as it is, like so many Brexitrelated matters, always in the dark, but that can be easily rectified with the use of periscopes at each end.