101 YEARS OLD AND STILL IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER...

THE world of grammatical rectitude has been shocked today with the announcement by the Office for Supernumerary Prepositions, Offof, to institute a conjunction charge on the use of words such as “and” and “or”, other than in an approved manner. Lady Ampersandra Notwithstanding, the head of Offof and Ombudswoman for Prepositions and Sundry Parts of Speech told me of the reasons for imposing the charge.

“Most people,” she said, “are unaware of the vital work of our Conjunctions Subcommittee which has greatly reduced the complexities that face us whenever we use an ‘and’ or an ‘or’ to join nouns together. Have you, for example, ever wondered why we say ‘Romeo and Juliet’ rather than ‘Juliet and Romeo’, or ‘Pyramus and Thisbe’, or ‘Antony and Cleopatra’, or ‘Tristan and Isolde’, or even ‘Adam and Eve’ and ‘George and Mildred’ rather than the other way round?” “No,” I said. “It’s because of an outdated notion that the man should come first,” she explained.

“What about Bonnie and Clyde or Hero and Leander?” I asked.

“Bonnie and Clyde were criminals and our records suggest that Hero and Leander are in non-standard order because someone did not realise that Hero was the heroine,” she said. “But to return to my main point, just think of Fish and Chips, or Tom and Jerry, or Gin and Tonic, or Love and Kisses, or Bricks and Mortar, or Cheese and Biscuits, or Salt and Vinegar, or Pig and Whistle or a Rock and a Hard Place, or Research and Development. You never hear those pairs the other way round. It’s thanks to our work that a correct order has been established for these and countless others. It saves everyone thinking about whether War comes before Peace or Peace before War. But all our work cannot be achieved for nothing, which is why we plan to bring in a conjunction charge.”

“I see,” I said dubiously, “but surely it cannot be sufficiently expensive to charge people for using conjunctions. Establishing an order for two nouns is the work of a moment.”

“It’s not just joined pairs,” she said. “What about Ear, Nose and Throat, or Bacon, Lettuce and Tomato? Our surgeons and sandwich makers cannot be expected to worry themselves over the right order in such cases. When there are three nouns in cases such as these, there are six ways of ordering them. Can you imagine the potential chaos if we did not have an agreed order? How would the average server at a sandwich bar react if someone ordered an LTB instead of a BLT?”

“I’ve often thought it should be an LTB anyway,” I said, “as that is the order they are put in the sandwich, though I suppose one could say that one sandwich-maker’s LTB is another eater’s BTL, as that is the order they meet the teeth. Anyway, it’s been lovely talking to you, and thank you for such a lucid explanation, but I must rush now to travel to another couple of meetings. I have to get from Islington & Highbury to Castle & Elephant if the nation’s Order and Law is to be preserved,” and I left it at that.