101 YEARS OLD AND STILL AS ARGUMENTATIVE AS EVER...

BICKERING, I have always maintained, is a good way to exchange ideas and can be a useful negotiating tactic. A survey just released by the recipe box company Gousto leaves me gravely worried that we British may be losing our bickering skills.

They report that 59 million rows over basic chores take place in UK households every week and that the average person spends 34 hours bickering every year. This may sound impressive, but an analysis of those figures reveals a very different picture.

Let us start with those 59 million rows every week. There are 27.2 million households in the UK, so this works out at a weekly average of only 2.2 rows per household, which is only one outbreak of bickering every three days. So no bickering takes place at all on two days out of every three. Is it any wonder, bearing this in mind, that the Brexit negotiations are dragging on for so long?

And what about the 34 hours a year the average adult spends bickering over household chores? There are about 50 million adults in this country and it takes at least two to bicker, so the total time the country spends on bickering in a year is at most 25x34 million hours. It could be even less, of course, if we take account of full-scale rows which include the whole family.

Since we have 59 million rows a week, which is 59x52 million rows a year, the average time spent on each bicker is at most (25x34)/(59x52) hours which works out at 16.6 minutes.

Interestingly, the most popular topic over which to bicker concerns doing the washing up. I find this all rather sad, as in my experience, washing up takes less than 16.6 minutes anyway.

Furthermore, the Gousto report tells us that 11 per cent of people say that the feeling of completing daily tasks has been more rewarding to them than sex. If we compare this with an earlier survey this year which reported that 11 per cent of people have faked poshness on a date, the picture becomes all too clear. Someone fakes poshness on a date, taking in their companion to such an extent that they marry and set up house together. The posh-faker then feels obliged to keep up the pretence and says that he or she is far too posh to do the washing up. They then spend 16.6 minutes bickering about it before one of them concedes defeat, dons the Marigolds and grumpily does the washing up.

Is it any wonder their sex life is unsatisfactory? I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s all over in under 16.6 minutes, though I agree that is none of my business.

On the other hand, five per cent of people say that the feeling of completing daily tasks has brought them closer to their partner. This is hardly surprising, for according to yet another survey, five per cent of people over-55 cannot sew a button on. Now what can bring a couple closer than those loving words: “Darling if you sew my button on, I’ll do the washing up”?

I wonder if Monsieur Barnier can sew a button on? Perhaps David Davis could offer to help. This could solve the Irish question in less than 16.6 minutes.