Tea goes quite potty
YORKSHIRE Tea – a brand that speaks of a straightforward, no nonsense cuppa, a sort of Geoffrey Boycott of tea-ness – has brought out a brew that also tastes like a biscuit. Tea that must taste like tea tastes when you’ve dunked it that second too long and half your digestive has sunk to the bottom of the cup like a calorie-laden depth charger where it immediately turns to beige silt.
It’s supposed to appeal to slimmers who will therefore avoid an actual biscuit. I can’t see that happening. The biscuit experience is not confined to taste alone. It is about crunch and substance and whether you will have one or two and maybe a custard cream to follow.
But the world of tea is fast becoming as bizarre as the world of coffee. The world in which the phrase “grande cafe mocha, no sugar, no whipped cream, extra dry, with half skim, half full milk” is not gibberish but something that costs the best part of a fiver. There’s a poster advertising a new range of Twinings teabags which I find oddly fascinating. Twinings Glow, Defence and Energise. Glow, Defence, Energise? Defence against what? Tomahawk missiles, ebola, acid-squirting gangs on mopeds…? Looking up Twinings’ promotional blurb for Glow I read that “when your skin and hair glows, you radiate confidence and feel great. This is the inspiration behind this carefully crafted Glow blend”. Look – unless your surname is Litvinenko and your tea was laced with radioactive polonium – your hair is not going to glow. This is all
THE Duchess of Cambridge says that teenagers should be taught how to be good parents. Well that’s all very nice but let’s hope they’re also taught how not to become parents before they’re ready for it.
tremendous rubbish and we all know it is. And the idea of fussing around choosing between Defence and Energise in the kitchen cupboard proves that tea madness has truly taken hold.
Gone are the happy days when you offered someone tea and gave them tea rather than a list of supplementary questions. It’s the same tyranny of choice that has made buying a coffee an exercise in executive decision-making.
It’s true that herbal infusions have been around for ages but these are – as we all know – simply heated pond water when you can’t face the kick of caffeine.
Tea is wonderful. It doesn’t matter how you make it if it’s the way you like it. It’s warming on cold days and cooling on hot days. It’s right first thing in the morning and last thing at night. It’s lovely if you’re ill in bed and need to perk up or have just come home from a night out and need to wind down. But let’s just leave it as… tea.