101 YEARS OLD AND STILL ENJOYING HIS FOOD...

WHEN invited to dinner at a good restaurant I am often asked whether I have any dietary requirements or allergies. I usually reply by telling them that I require food of near Michelin star quality if I am to feel contented and well-fed and I am allergic to vegetarians.

Usually that is enough to guarantee a decent meal in good company but I have been working on one idea that could, I feel, improve things even more.

I mentioned some years ago my idea that multi-course tasting menus in good restaurants should come accompanied by something analogous to the download bar one sees when copying something on the internet.

In this case however it would be a moving bar that indicates, as each course is brought to the table, what percentage of the total meal one has eaten up to that moment. This simple device would avoid the problem that I have all too often faced of discovering that I have filled up on the early dishes even before the main course arrives.

At the very least my food-upload bar would serve as an alarm when the waitress arrives offering more bread and allow one to pace oneself properly for a marathon eat if necessary.

Curiously, no restaurant, as far as I know, has adopted my suggestion yet which is why I have been refining it. My current suggestion is that along with the food monitoring bar, the chairs in the restaurant could be equipped with sensory seat belts which monitor throughout the meal how full one’s stomach is getting. By linking the belt to the upload bar a simple alarm could be issued, rather like the messages that keep arriving in my email inbox telling me that it is running out of space. This would inform me when my stomach is near capacity and tell me I should go easy on the stuffed lamb and roast potatoes if I want to have room for the three desserts, particularly if I am intending to have more than the smallest portion of sticky toffee pudding at the end of the meal.

By adding another upload bar to indicate the consumption of wine and other drinks, and linking all the restaurant patrons’ seat belt read-outs with their upload bars, this could also provide an effective way of monitoring likely toilet requirements and avoiding the all-too-common problem of queues for inadequate lavatorial facilities.

For a small extra charge more sophisticated belts could be provided that also monitor levels of alcohol consumption and inform the diner whether he or she is in a fit state to drive home. Or, in my own case as a non-driver, it could monitor both my alcohol level and digestive requirements to tell me how likely I am to fall asleep during the opera I shall be attending after my pre-theatre tasting menu pig-out.

And if the restaurant could also scan all its clientele’s theatre tickets as they enter to identify the fat chap in the row in front of mine who is liable, if not warned, to snore at a poignant moment, it would be better still.

More sticky toffee pudding please, waitress. It’ll go so well with the last glug of Laurent-Perrier.