101 YEARS OLD AND STILL AFRAID OF SUPERSTITIONS...

AYOUNG lady rang me on Friday morning and asked how I was. I have always found that a tough question, particularly in the morning, as I have learned that no useful thought is ever accomplished before lunch, so I told her that I was much the same as the previous day.

“Well you shouldn’t be,” she said. “You should be 17 per cent better.”

“But today is Friday the 13th,” I said. “Might that not account for my feeling the same as yesterday, if not worse?”

“No,” she said firmly. “That very fact should mean that you are 17 per cent less likely to be suffering from water damage. For water damage is what I called to talk to you about.”

“Fascinating,” I said, glad to escape from wondering how I was. “Talk on.”

“I’m phoning,” she said, rather unnecessarily I thought, as I could tell that was what she was doing, “to tell you of some research by Direct Line insurance into claims for water damage over the past four years made on Friday the 13th or Thursday the 12th of any month. The findings unequivocally show Thursday the 12th is 17 per cent more dangerous than Friday the 13th.”

“Did you know,” I asked her, casting a glance at my database of surveys conducted in 2017, “that 17 per cent of men think that helping other people is very important in a job? Do you think your 17 per cent extra claimants are those men who have helped someone do a household job and left a tap on?”

“Why would they be more likely to leave a tap on if it’s Thursday the 12th than if it’s Friday the 13th?” she asked.

“Probably because they are superstitious about Friday the 13th so take more care to turn taps off on such a date,” I said. “Or it could simply be because they are so frightened of being involved in an accident on Friday the 13th that they stay at home and do not offer to help their neighbours with chores, which stops them from turning the taps on in the first place. Can you tell me how much of this water damage is caused by melting snow?”

“Not offhand,” she said, “but I can find out. Why are you interested?”

“Because 17 per cent of people regularly like or share on social networks Winnie-the-Pooh’s life lessons and friendship advice,” I said. “As you probably know, Winnie-the-Pooh wisely said that the more it snows, tiddelypom, the more it goes on snowing, and it seems to me the result could well be 17 per cent more claims to Direct Line when the thaw comes.” “I don’t think I follow,” she said. “And,” I added, ignoring her, “17 per cent of people think classical music would be more popular if orchestras stopped wearing dinner dress. I think the lesson from all this is clear.” “Not to me,” she said. “We should explain to those 17 per cent of people that they are totally wrong, for if the musicians leave their dinner dress on the bed at home, the snow on the roof may melt and drip through to ruin their suit.”

“It’ll be all right if they are insured with Direct Line,” she said, especially “with our new fast Response promise”.

“How true, tiddely-pom,” I said sagely and I rushed home to see if my neighbour had fixed the downpipe yet.