Wish you weren’t here?

MY director chum Jon cut his teeth in the early days of Crimewatch. A major hazard of this partlive show, he tells me, was the squad of detectives who sat behind the presenters, “ready to take your call”.

Sometimes they would wave at the cameras, partly because they’d promised their kids, partly because they needed to prove to their wives that they were where they said they were.

Something similar, I think, goes on with programmes like HOLIDAYS UNPACKED (C4), whose presenters are obliged to go off and have what looks like a lovely time, while getting paid for it. Those who have partners and children, or indeed, even a gimleteyed parakeet, back home are likely to get a frosty reception on their return, unless it looks like they didn’t really have much fun.

“We don’t just want to lie on the beach any more,” said presenters Lucy Hedges and Morland Sanders at the start of last night’s show. What they meant was, “Yes we do but we can’t.” Fulfilling her duty, Lucy went off to Israel, where she had a terrifying time abseiling down a cliff in the Judaean desert. “This,” said her guide Yoash, “is one of the friendliest deserts in the world.” (Given the reputation of deserts, generally, I’m not sure that helped.) Right across the globe, Morland was in Costa Rica, white water rafting and surfing.

When his rental car encountered monsoon rains and a small mudslide, he tutted and said, “Imagine doing this with your wife and kids,” which was a line entirely directed, I think, at his own wife and kids.

But the bigger fib is the idea behind the show, which is that you could go further afield for the same amount of money and fun. The pound may be worth pips against the euro but Costa Rica is an 11-hour flight away – that’s the bit no one wants to do with their kids.

If you’ve seen how people will behave over a parking space or a bag on a bus seat, it should come as no surprise that there are killers walking among us, ready to take a life at the drop of a hat. In wartime, (and when isn’t it wartime, somewhere?) such people can be very useful, as SECRET AGENT SELECTION: WW2 (BBC2) reminds us.

Of course, what the Special Operations Executive (and its recreated, TV equivalent) looked for was less of a violent streak, more an ability to follow orders and keep a cool head while following them.

This became particularly obvious last night, as the nine remaining contenders underwent a further, vital part of the original recruitment process. In two groups, their task was to enter a guarded hut without being discovered. The challenge started out rather dully, with lots of people counting seconds and advancing slowly.

In its later stages, though, it had the quality of one of those plucky war films of the early Sixties – the agents in the trees holding their breath while waiting for the guard to turn his back, discovery (and imaginary death) always just one heartbeat away. For the first time, in this barren, stripped-back setting, there seemed to be some link between the stories of the real SOE heroes and the trials being undertaken on-screen.

You couldn’t help but root for the winning team and join in their joy as they received a crate of brown ale. This being a fully immersive SOE training, of course, the bottle opener was not supplied.