I didn’t realise I depressed until was too late
‘Along the way I failed to look after myself’ In 2013 former Met copper John Sutherland suffered a seven-month breakdown after 20 years policing London’s toughest streets. He explains why men must learn to ask for help
IVE years ago I was broken. At the time I was the Metropolitan Police Borough Commander for Southwark in south London. It was the best job I have ever had, surrounded by a team of extraordinary officers and staff, performing their duties with daily humanity and heroism. Serving alongside them was both my duty and my joy.
But a few months into my time there I began to stumble into serious illness.
It began with the onset of overwhelming tiredness, a kind of shattered exhaustion far beyond anything I had experienced before, despite years of working shifts and the precious gift of three children under the age of 10.
Then there was a form of malevolent anxiety that began to wake me in the middle of the night in a state of wide-eyed, teeth-clenching panic. Finally came the crippling depression.
That was what broke me. Because depression is not the same as sadness. In fact, sadness is to depression as a puddle is to the Pacific. It is a thing of raw horror and blind terror; a waterboarding of the mind.
And I didn’t do anything until it was too late. I was off work for more than seven months and, though I made it back eventually, I never got back to full duties.
Although I mended in many ways, some of the damage was permanent: an inability to deal with trauma and strain; a debilitating exhaustion that continued to overtake me with frustrating regularity. And in February this year I was medically retired from the Met.
How on earth did it get so bad? Why didn’t I get some personal and medical support much sooner? I suspect there are four simple reasons.
The first is that I’m a man. And men, generally speaking, are not always good at talking about stuff or asking for help.
The second reason is that I was a police officer. Ask most coppers why they joined and they will tell you that they wanted to help people. But sometimes you get so caught up in helping others that you lose sight of the fact that you might one day need help yourself.
The third factor is that I was a boss and I believed it was my responsibility to look after everyone else. Along the way, I failed to look after myself.
But the fourth reason is perhaps the most significant: the simple fact was that I had absolutely no clue what was happening to me. Five years ago we weren’t talking much about mental health in society as a whole, never mind in policing. I didn’t understand I was in a bad way and it honestly didn’t occur to me to seek any kind of medical help. Until it was too late.
The good news is that these days I’m a great deal better than I was. In some respects I’m actually better than I’ve ever been in my life. There was no way of getting back to a job that I loved with all my heart and soul, but I am discovering a life that is slower and kinder and much more gentle.
It takes a great deal of time and patience – five years and counting, in my case. But I am starting to learn how to live well and stay well. There are three practical things that I find helpful in this.
First I am learning how to rest. In a world that is moving far faster than is good for any of us, I am learning how to slow down and recover my limited strength.
Second I have been seeing a counsellor for the past five years. Not all of us need that degree of assistance over that length of time but it remains universally true that it’s good to talk.
THERE remains a powerful sense of stigma associated with mental ill-health, perhaps especially for men. But every time we talk it loses a little more of its power. Thirdly I take antidepressant medication. It’s important to say pills don’t work for everyone but they seem to help a lot of people, including me.
I rest, I talk and I accept the help I know I need. And beyond the practicalities I lean on the love of my extraordinary wife a beautiful girls.
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Blue: A Memoir – Keepin The Peace And Falling To P (£8.99) by John Sutherland published by Weidenfeld & Nicolson and available no paperback, as an eBook an an audiobook