101 YEARS OLD AND STILL DELIVERING NUCLEAR WIT...
DENUCLEARISATION of the Korean peninsula has been a major concern in this week’s news. “Denuclearisation” is also one of the longest words with which a Beachcomber column has ever begun.
Much of the discussion however has concerned the question of how the leaders of the US and North Korea talked for five hours then came up with an agreement so short on detail. Fortunately, our research branch Beachcomb Analytics had a spy in the room where Donald met Kim enabling us now to offer a transcript of the most vital part of the conversation. Kim’s words, of course, are translated.
[The two men smile, shake hands and sit down. Silence ensues for several moments.] Trump: “What are you staring at?” Kim: “Your haircut. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ridiculous coiffure.”
Trump: “My haircut? My haircut? What about your haircut? That’s surely the stupidest haircut in the world.”
Kim: “My haircut is elegant and practical. It’s yours that is stupid.”
Trump: “Elegant and practical? Don’t make me laugh. Who told you it was elegant and practical? I bet it was your hairdresser. I can tell you that if anyone gave me a haircut like that, I’d have him arrested.”
Kim: “You must spend hours getting your hair like that in the mornings. What a waste of time.”
Trump: “I have a team of glamorous hairdressers to do it while I’m tweeting. Time well spent, I’d say. But let us get back to the matter of denuclearisation of North Korea.”
Kim: “I cannot leave your comments about my hair out of the discussion. I propose we link denuclearisation of Korea with decomboverisation of your ridiculous barnet.”
Trump: “I said nothing would be out of bounds in these talks and I am a man of my word. Unless I change it, of course, when I become a man of my whim. I’m prepared to consider limiting comb-overs if you agree to imprison the crazy barber who ran amok with his clippers round your neck and ears.”
Kim: “Can I keep my nuclear weapons if I agree to that?”
Trump: “Probably not. But let’s deal with one thing at a time. I’m prepared to consider making reductions in my comboverisation with a view to instituting a feasibility study leading to possible total decomboverisation some unspecified time in the unforeseeable future. But only if you agree to grow visible hair over the areas which your demon barber has left bald. By the way, I’m sorry to hear your dad’s ill.” Kim: “My father died in 2011.” Trump: “Are you sure? I definitely read that he was ill. ‘Kim Jong ill’, the papers said.”
Kim: “That was his name: Kim Jongil, just like I am Kim Jong-un. ”
Trump: “So it was fake news about him being ill. I’m not surprised. You can’t trust the newspapers. I’ll have them change it to Kim Jong-dead. But how did you get saddled with a name ending in ‘goon’? Was that the media’s doing too?”
Kim: “Let’s get this communiqué written, shall we?”
And the rest is history.