101 YEARS OLD AND STILL NECESSARILY STEPPING...

ADISPUTE that has long been simmering between two rival government departments has erupted over the interpretation of figures concerning the steps that must be taken to prevent the recurrence of undesirable events.

The row has been sparked by the publication of figures relating to the occurrence of certain phrases in the national press in the first six months of this year. Lord Ladderrung, the Minister for Step-Taking, claimed success for his department (the DS-T) in reducing occurrences of “take all steps necessary”, which was seen only five times in the first six months of 2018 compared with 15 in the whole of 2017. A spokesman for the Department of Stressful Happenings (DoSH), however, accused Lord Ladderrung of being highly selective in the figures he quoted and pointed out a rapid increase in occurrences of “take all necessary steps”, which was seen 27 times by the end of June, compared with only 32 for the whole of 2017.

Lord Ladderrung, however, said that the DoSH interpretation was illusory as necessary steps were very different from steps necessary. “A necessary step,” he insisted, “is a step that has already been identified as necessary. Steps necessary, however, include steps that have not yet been identified as essential but may, at some time in the future, be classified as such.”

Accusing Lord Ladderrung of “pure casuistry”, the Minister for Stressful Happenings, Lord Stoppit, insisted that figures on step-taking and taking steps must be considered in conjunction with those for events that must never happen again and those that must never be allowed to happen again. He pointed out that in the first six months of this year, the phrase “must never be allowed to happen again” occurred only six times compared with 18 in the whole of last year, which he said represented a considerable achievement by DoSH.

Lord Ladderrung then accused Lord Stoppit of indulging in precisely the same sort of casuistry he accuses the DS-T of indulging in. “His Lordship ignores a disturbing rise in occurrences of ‘must never happen again’, which occurred on 20 occasions between January and June compared with only 28 in the whole of last year,” he said. “Does this not suggest that DoSH is failing in its responsibility of disallowing undesirable events?”

Lord Stoppit countered by pointing out that undesirable events could only be disallowed from happening again if the DS-T first identified all the steps necessary and took all the necessary steps to allow DoSH to pass measures to disallow them from happening again. He pointed out that figures were not available on the number of undesirable events that happened without being specifically allowed or disallowed.

A spokesperson for Number Ten said that the prime minister had pledged to take all necessary steps and steps necessary to clarify the matter but as the phrase “the prime minister pledged” has already occurred 25 times this year compared with only 27 in the whole of 2017, she was rather busy at the moment.