101 YEARS OLD AND STILL CHATTING TO STRANGERS...

AYOUNG fellow whom I did not know just rang me up to tell me that 63 per cent of people say they would be hesitant to chat to people whom they did not know.

I thought about this for a moment before replying, then said: “You, I take it, are one of the 37 per cent who do not hesitate before so doing, a figure that I find confusing.” “Why is that confusing?” he asked. “Because another survey earlier this year reported that 37 per cent of workers go to great lengths to keep all their biscuits for themselves. Surely they would be more likely to be able to hang on to their biscuits if they didn’t talk to people.”

“Perhaps they could talk to people but steer clear of the subject of biscuits,” he said.

“I find that unlikely,” I replied. “Biscuits feature prominently among the subjects I raise very early in my conversations, particularly with people to whom I have not been properly introduced. Indeed, ‘Would you like a biscuit?’ is probably my most frequent opening line of conversation.”

“Biscuits do not feature among the top 10 conversation starters in our recent research on the topic,” he said. “The weather, the immediate surroundings and the local area are the most popular opening subjects.”

“How dull,” I said. “Can people really think of nothing better to say than, ‘Turned out sunny again,’ or ‘I expect the train will be late again,’ or ‘Can you tell me the way to the abattoir?’”

“Asking someone how they are doing comes fourth and asking what they do for a living comes seventh,” he said.

“How impertinent,” I replied. “If anyone asks what I do for a living, I tell them I breed ferrets. That usually shuts them up. What do you do for a living, by the way? Does it, by any chance, involve talking to strangers?”

“Quite often,” he said. “How did you guess? On this particular occasion, I’m ringing people to tell them about the new Chatty Café scheme that Costa Coffee has launched to counteract the nationwide decline in conversations. Costa is introducing ‘Chatter and Natter’ tables where people can meet and talk.”

“That sounds rather indiscriminate to me,” I said. “There are, I am sure, plenty of people, like the ones who start by asking what I do for a living, rather than offering me a biscuit, with whom I do not want to talk. Are these Costa Coffee branches equipped with signs to be held up in I do not fancy a conversation with a potential interlocutor?” Perhaps something saying “Go away, I do not want to talk to you,” would be appropriate. “What, incidentally, is the difference between ‘chatter’ and ‘natter’? The OED suggests they are much the same, though it does suggest that ‘natter’, in Scottish dialect at least, used to be more peevish than ‘chatter’. Do we have to both chatter and natter at your Chatter and Natter tables, or can we choose between them and if we are given the choice, ought they not to be called ‘Chatter and/or Natter’ tables?”

“Go away, I do not want to talk to you,” he said, after thinking over what I had said and we left it at that.