101 YEARS OLD AND STILL FOND OF LETTER BOXES...
DISCLAIMER: the characters in this column are purely fictitious and any resemblance to people or dogs living, dead or animated are entirely fortuitous, and the events recounted bear no relation to affairs, be they home or domestic, of any past, present or future Ministers of State.
With that clearly in mind, we present the latest tale from Aardluck studios: The Wrong Letter Box.
The enticing smell of tea and toast woke Wallace one fine morning and he hastened down to the breakfast room, eager to fortify himself for a day’s busy inventing. As soon as he caught sight of Gromit, however, he sensed that something was wrong. The dog was skulking apologetically as it pushed the toast and teapot with its snout towards Wallace.
“Cracking toast, Gromit,” he said, trying to entice a smile, but the dog’s expression did not change.
“What’s up, chuck?” Wallace asked. “Have we run out of crackers?”
Nervously, Gromit nudged the morning paper towards his friend and as soon as he saw the front page headline, Wallace saw the problem. “Gromit Says Wallace Looks Like A Letter Box,” it screamed.
“This can’t be right, lad,” Wallace said. “For a start, I’ve never heard you say a word. And I don’t look like a letter box anyway.” Even as he uttered those words, however, he could not help noticing that Gromit was staring at his teeth and the expression on the dog’s face clearly said that Wallace’s extended horizontal rows of teeth were reminiscent of the slot in a letter box.
“Did you really say that, Chuck?” Wallace asked, and the dog pushed towards him the latest issue of Canine Comments featuring a new article in its Dogs and Their Companions series written by Gromit himself.
Wallace scanned the article and quickly found the offensive words. “Letter box,” they said, and he needed to read no further.
“Oh Gromit,” he said, “for someone who never speaks, you do rush into saying the wrong things rather a lot. “I remember you once saying that the our penguin lodger Feathers McGraw looked like a bank robber. Admittedly you were right on that occasion, but that’s no excuse for being rude. I’m going to have to ask you to apologise to me, if not to the penguin. Gromit remained silent. “Does your silence mean that you really do think I look like a letter box?” Wallace asked. “Pass the mobile and the selfie stick and I’ll take a look for myself.”
Gromit passed the selfie stick but Wallace could not get it to work. “This modern technology is more trouble than it’s worth,” he said. “Anyway, I’ve never told you this before but now I have no alternative: Gromit, there are definitely times when your appearance resembles that of a dog.”
Gromit’s jaw fell and tears began to seep from his eyes. Meanwhile, Wallace had found a mirror and was intently examining his teeth. “Hmm, he said, you could be right. I do look a bit like a letter box.” Then he gave Gromit a hug, saying “and I love dogs,” and they lived happily ever after.