101 YEARS OLD AND STILL SURVEYING THE SURVEYS...

THE NEW Living Well survey from Sainsbury’s reveals a drop from 61.2 to 60.7 out of a maximum 100 points in their Living Well Index, but they say this is probably mainly due to “seasonal factors”. The whole survey however seems to raise more questions than it answers.

The extent to which we do not live well, it says, is mainly due to four factors: poor sleep quality, lack of sex life satisfaction, not having enough time and eating alone.

Does it not occur to these people that they might have a better sex life if they invited their paramours to share a meal before expecting them to jump into bed? Clearly they think that a meal eats into their romping time, yet when they’ve eaten alone and failed to find anyone to share the night with, is it any wonder they are sleeping badly?

But what about sleep quantity? In my experience that’s just as important as quality. I had 11 hours’ sleep last Friday night and 10 hours on Saturday, after which I felt I had totally recovered from a hard-working week. Sleep long and prosper, I always say.

But what about this “not having enough time” business? The Sainsbury’s survey tells us that 49 per cent of adults say they have enough time to do everything, 30 per cent do not have enough time and the remaining 21 per cent can’t decide whether they have enough time or not.

I wonder if they are aware that 49 per cent of people say they think “meal deals” are convenient? Could it be, I wonder, that the only reason they have enough time is because they eat meal deals?

How can they expect to have satisfying sex lives if all they can offer their potential mates is a sandwich, a bag of crisps and a can of juice?

Meanwhile, I feel bound to ask whether the 30 per cent who do not have time are the grown-up versions of the 30 per cent of youngsters who say that social media makes them more lonely. Does it not occur to them that if they did not spend so much time feeling lonely on Facebook, they’d have enough extra time to do everything they wanted?

Yet what worries me most is the 21 per cent of indecisive wretches who can’t say whether they have enough time or not. After all, an earlier survey this year reported that 21 per cent of restaurant customers are regularly frustrated waiting for food to arrive.

This could be because they are so indecisive they haven’t ordered yet, but even if they have, they could spend the waiting time pondering the question of whether they have enough time to do everything they want.

Finally, the report tells us, 18 per cent of people in situations that are strongly associated with social isolation always eat their sit-down meals alone, which is three times the national average.

And before you say that is blindingly obvious, I should tell you that 18 per cent of people say apple crumble is their favourite dessert and 18 per cent of people buy wine to match the food they’re eating. If we can recommend a wine to match apple crumble, their life problems will be solved.