101 YEARS OLD AND STILL ACCEPTING NO DELAYS...
QUEEN Elizabeth I was having a bad day. She had summoned her Transport Minister to report progress on the CrossHighway project to speed up traffic through London and the news was not good.
“I’m afraid it’s going to be a bit delayed, Your Majesty,” the Minister said. “How late?” asked the Queen. The Minister flicked a few beads on an abacus and announced the result: “About 420 years, I’d say.” Then he saw the fury beginning to contort the Queen’s face, so added: “Give or take a decade or so.”
“What?” screamed the Queen. “You got me to agree to the whole project by saying it would be called the Elizabeth Line and everyone would thank me for it. How do you think I’ll look if it’s 420 years late?”
“I have consulted our seers, Your Majesty, and they say that in another 420 years there will be another Queen Elizabeth who will be called Queen Elizabeth II, so the name will still be appropriate.”
“Oh will it?” said the Queen sarcastically. “This is the third major transport project you’ve screwed up. First there was the Highway Speed HS2 plan which is late and costing far more than you said it would, then there was that ThamesSink rubbish that led to hundreds of cross-river coaches being cancelled…”
“Thames Link, Your Majesty,” the Minister unwisely corrected her.”
“Thames [expletive deleted],” the Queen shrieked. “Can’t you get anything right? There are queues of horses waiting to cross London Bridge even as we speak.”
“It’s not my fault,” the Minister said. “Building transport links is a complex matter. Quite apart from the new roads, we need more horses, more riders, new timetables, more coaching inns, more horseshoe makers and a vastly expanded infrastructure to handle the sale of tickets.”
“But you must have known that from the start and should have allowed for all of them in your plans. How could you have been 420 years out in your delivery date?”
“Give or take a decade,” the Minister said, but the Queen just glared at him.
“My suppliers and contracts were rather over-optimistic,” the Minister said. “I blame them. And we must remember that all this comes on top of the fuss the Worshipful Company of Equine Operators are making about bringing in one-man operated horses which has introduced much ill-feeling throughout the transport industry.”
“So why, if I may ask, did the contracts all these people signed not include penalty clauses covering lateness?” asked the Queen. “I bet they’d have done things on schedule if they faced 420 years of penalties.”
The Minister drew a sharp intake of breath. “Penalty clauses, your Majesty?” he said. “Such things involve the assignment of blame and you can’t do that without incurring massive legal expenses which would move the whole project even more over budget.”
The Queen sighed, had the Minister sent to the Tower, and no more was heard for 420 years.