Vince’s scary spasm
IT’S been a traumatic week. For instance, I had hoped to get through life without ever seeing the phrases “Vince Cable” and “erotic spasm” in the same sentence. As it is I can barely type the words without coming over a bit funny.
In case you were lucky enough to miss this queasy conjunction it occurred while Old Hairy Nostrils was making his speech at the Lib Dem conference. It is, to be fair, the only memorable thing that happened at the conference unless you count Gina Miller, dressed as though for a ladies’ Rotary Club lunch, who stood up to say that she had no ambition to be leader of the Lib Dems.
Who can blame her? Though it seems that the way to get ahead these days is to assert loud and clear that you don’t want to be leader of whatever gang everyone expects you to lead. Ruth Davidson did it this week too, saying she had no interest in becoming Prime Minister because it would make her miserable. She was commended all round for her “searing honesty” etc. As a result I’d put money on Gina Miller leading the Lib Dems and Ruth Davidson moving in to Number 10 at some point. Not that I’m cynical or anything.
Back to Vince and his speech. “For the true believers, the fundamentalists, the costs of Brexit have always been irrelevant,” he droned. “Years of economic pain justified by the erotic spasm of leaving the European Union.” It came out as “exotic spresm” but that’s by the by. Erotic spasm is what he meant. Once see, never unseen. I fear I may need counselling.
But if that wasn’t bad enough then that big-chested girl Stormy Daniels, otherwise known as Stephanie Clifford, otherwise known as Trump’s Worst Nightmare, treated us to a critical assessment of The Donald’s love truncheon. The President denies having an affair with her in 2006 after a charity golf tournament at Lake Tahoe. But she has gone public with details which put Vince’s erotic spasms in the shade.
Though of course this isn’t the first time that a presidential pecker has come under scrutiny. Clinton’s was much discussed in the impeachment years and Lyndon Johnson (according to his biographer) called his todger Jumbo and was known to show it off in the urinal, demanding of anyone who was present: “Have you ever seen anything as big as this?”
Trump’s is “not freakishly small”, Stormy concedes gracefully but “unusual”. Uh-oh. “Like the mushroom character in Mario Kart,” she added. Those of you unfamiliar with Nintendo video games may need to Google this fictional fungoid character. But maybe best not.
As I say, once seen, never unseen.
Definition of brass neck: the shoplifter who stole a coat from Primark on her way to court, because it started raining.