WHAT TO DO WHEN A WHEN A RING-A-DING-DING TURNS OUT TO BE A WRONG-A-DONG-DONG

RBRRRNNNG! It is my mobile phone, vibrating on a restaurant table. (Except it doesn’t actually go brrrnnng; more a sort of fluted choking sound with chirrups. I have no idea how to change it.)

The screen shows “unrecognised number”. No problem; I get a few of those each month and they’re always legit. I pick up. “Hi. Richard Madeley.” Crackling silence. “Hello? Can you hear me?” More crackling. Then cackling. Then an Essex estuary voice, babbling incoherently, I think about Ukip It’s hard to tell. “Sorry, who is this?” More cackling. And swearing.

I hang up. Moments later my phone rings again. Unrecognised number. I switch it off.

It’s the beginning of a three-day campaign of nuisance calls, bizarre texts (some overtly sexual) and even a polite reply to an ad that’s seemingly been placed in my name and number on a used car website, offering to sell a second-hand exhaust system. Sigh. I’ve had the same mobile phone number for around 20 years so I suppose I’m lucky it hasn’t fallen into the hands of a sad inadequate until now.

Some people feel threatened when their phone is hacked by malevolent strangers. I just felt a bit tired. These people are beyond pathetic. I did some on-line research: apparently the pathology of nuisance callers is depressingly similar: they’re mostly male, resentful of wider society, often sexually dysfunctional (unable to form relationships or “perform” when they do), unemployable and sub-literate. Not really the sort of loser you want calling you up for a cosily abusive chat every 10 minutes.

I blocked the caller to start with, and then changed my number. To my surprise, I discovered this is extremely easy to do. It took barely two minutes over the phone with my network supplier.

Then I spent less than 15 minutes texting my new number to family, friends and colleagues (and you don’t lose any of your contacts when you change numbers, because you keep the same simcard).

So if you’re being bothered by nuisance calls from some tiresome troll, don’t hesitate. Do what I did and get a new number. S’easy.