It’s unpleasant business
THE APPRENTICE (BBC1, 9pm) is back tonight for its 14th series, fronted as ever by Lord Alan Sugar (right). So before the fun begins, would you like to hear what some of these bold, thrusting, unapologetically self-assured young business types have to say for themselves? Their philosophy, their outlook on life, that kind of thing?
Of course you would. And luckily you won’t have to wait very long.
“I am the Beyoncé of business,” one of this latest intake is soon telling us, in that reliably hackle-raising big-yourself-up bit they do at the start of the show. “Beauty is powerful. Intelligence is lethal,” she drones on.“Having both is just the perfect recipe…” “I might look like your business cuddly bear,” adds one of her plucky male rivals, “but if you cross me I will knock your stuffing out.”
“Money is the be-all and end-all,” insists another guy. “Some people say money can’t make you happy but I’d rather cry in a sports car than a banger…”
You want more? Blimey, if you insist… “I’m basically a machine,” insists the next candidate. “I’m not worried about collateral damage in this process. I’m here to win…” “I’ve got so much self-confidence oozing from my skin,” slimes yet another. “The other candidates are going to say, ‘Damn, that guy looks good.’ When I win every single task they’ll say, ‘Damn, this guy’s GREAT!’”
Why this person assumes he’s going to be competing against people who speak as if they’re in an American baseball movie isn’t entirely clear.
Of course this introductory sequence is, as ever, an ingenious piece of manipulation on the part of the show’s producers, encouraging the candidates to come across as almost superhumanly unlikeable.
That’s because while The Apprentice still purports to be a serious business challenge, it’s essentially just another reality show, only with wheel-on luggage, shiny suits and a cleverly inverted approach to reality TV’s standard technique.
Here it’s not about deciding who we like the most – as it essentially is elsewhere on everything from Strictly to Bake Off – but about choosing which of these people we’d most desperately like to see get their comeuppance.
Ultimately, of course, we want to see the whole bunch of them get it but some clearly deserve it sooner than others.
The least bothersome candidates, I guess, are the ones who merely irritate.
“I’m a real-life mum-preneur,” declares one of them. “My eldest daughter wants a swim pool in our back gudden. I’m here to make sure that happens.” Assuming she means “swimming pool” and “garden”, I guess that’s a fairly modest target for this mum-preneur to aim for. Indeed, by Apprentice standards it’s bordering on mum-dane. Also setting his sights quite impressively low tonight is the soon-to-be-wed Steve McDonald in CORONATION STREET (ITV, 7.30pm, 8.30pm). Not because it’s Tracy Barlow he’ll be marrying (although, actually, yes, that as well) but because he’s also offering the role of best man to his waste-of-space father Jim.