The joy of having John Lewis to yourself
For £10,000 you can be the only customer in the department store for two hours, says DAVID ROBSON
you,” sniffs one. “It’s very says Miss Vivian.
“You’re obviously in the wrong place,” they sniff. “Please leave.”
So she does, only to return later elegantly dressed in finery bought for her by her billionaire Edward Lewis (Richard Gere) with thousands more to spend: “I was in here yesterday, you wouldn’t wait on me. You work on commission, right? Big mistake, big… huge.” When she expensive,” goes shopping again, at a luxurious department store, this time with Edward, she says: “Stores are not nice to me,” He says: “Stores are never nice to people, they’re nice to credit cards.
One would never say that of John Lewis, of course, where the salespeople do not work on commission and are generally very nice, even to me who almost never buys anything and they can probably guess just by looking at me and seeing the hopeless look in my eye. But Roberts and Gere are on a serious shopping expedition. He summons the manager. “Excuse me, we’re gonna need a few more people helping us. I’ll tell you why. We’re going to be spending an obscene amount of money in here.”
That is obscene in itself but, in Pretty Woman as in all his films, Richard Gere is so charming that from him it sounds fine. Spending an obscene amount of money is an experience few of us will ever have. For us a salesperson “upselling” by guiding us from a cheaper product to a more expensive “better” one is about as obscene as it gets.
Of one thing I am certain. I shall never be availing myself of this John Lewis “put £10,000 behind the till” special offer. Why? Because it’s too scary, I wouldn’t be able to spend it and anyway I have had the same pleasure without that pain and at least £9,900 cheaper.
The perfect personalised, hasslefree, bespoke, beautifully serviced shopping experience is already available to all and I have enjoyed it often. It is the 24-hour supermarket. Asda is my favourite. During the day it can be hell but at three o’clock in the morning it is heaven. It is the world upside down and the right way up. Instead of crowds of people, crashing trolleys, screaming kids and nobody to help, you are more or less alone and outnumbered by night-shift shelf-stackers happy to tell you the hummus is on aisle 25 and the milk on aisle 37 and even happy to take you there.
What’s more, supermarkets outdo department stores every time. Instead of the shambles of multiple departments on different floors, the supermarket is all there in front of you. It’s organised like a magnificent library, everything meticulously arranged on shelves, a cornucopia of choice, all to hand, all portable, all painless.
WHEN I pass through the check-out, my trolley replete, I have none of the stomach-churning fear of the buyer’s remorse that I feel every time I buy clothes or furniture. The worst that can happen is I’ve bought the wrong brand of baked beans.
There is still a slight danger you may not have the whole superstore entirely to yourself. You may not be absolutely alone but if you really abhor the idea of shopping as a shared social experience, if being among other people appals you, there is now another solution.
You can acquire absolutely everything you want with maximum choice and maximum comfort, without any pushing and shoving or queueing or having anything at all to do with any other human beings. If you really want exclusive personalised shopping, may I recommend the internet.