Puppy love healed my broken heart
When her life fell apart, author AMANDA BROOKFIELD could never have expected that the answer to her problems would be a tiny, fluffy dog called Mabel
AS AMANDA Brookfield held the Christmas card in her trembling hand she burst into tears. The card was from her beloved mum, who had died earlier that year. “Every year at Christmas I used to look through old cards and I found the one mum had given me the year before. All of a sudden the sense of loss hit me and memories of her came flooding back,” says Amanda, 58, a visiting creative fellow at University College, Oxford.
Amanda and her mum had always enjoyed a close relationship. “My mum was a woman who completely devoted herself to her family. My dad was a bit older than her and died 20 years ago so she became the centre of the family,” she says.
“She had a house in Sussex and my siblings and I would all pile down there for Christmas, Easter and summer holidays with the grandchildren.”
When her mum died unexpectedly of a brain haemorrhage aged 81, Amanda was devastated.
“In losing mum, we lost the focal point of the family and we were in chaos for a bit. Even now I’ll think of things I want to ask her and wonder why I never did,” says Amanda, who lives in Crystal Palace, south London.
While she was grieving, Amanda’s two-year relationship broke down.
“I’d been divorced for a few years but I was in a new relationship that I thought was going to last. So when that went wrong my heart was mashed.
“I later realised that because I had been divorced I was more vulnerable to giving my heart away. I was so ready to believe that life could be a fairy tale.”
When the two events collided, Amanda says she fell apart.
“I’ve always been a real optimist but I suddenly hit a wall. I felt I’d lost my sense of my past when my mum died and then I lost my sense of a future with the end of my relationship.
“I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I cried a lot. It felt like a nervous breakdown.”
THE people closest to Amanda did their best to help. “My family and friends were amazing. They all rushed to spend time with me and said all the right things,” she says.
But try as she might, Amanda couldn’t get out of her rut.
Then one day she was talking to a friend and flippantly remarked that she might get a dog.
“I said it so people would stop worrying about me,” she admits. “I wanted to look as if I had a plan.”
However, secretly, Amanda doubted whether she would be suited to being a dog owner.
“I’m quite a self-contained, selfish person. I think my nature is more like a cat’s than a dog’s.”
And she was worried she wouldn’t be able to train a puppy.
“My big fear was I’d be a lousy owner and I’d end up with an anti-social, neurotic dog,” she says. “But somebody told me about a lovely breeder of goldendoodles – a cross between a poodle and a golden retriever – and I decided to go to check them out. Before I knew it I had put down a deposit for one of the puppies. I was so afraid of the commitment but I kept telling myself I could back out if I wanted and forgo the deposit.”
When the puppies were born Amanda went to meet them.
“There were three in the litter and they started crawling all over me. But one of them came right up next to me and rolled on to her back so I could stroke her little pink tummy.
“I felt we had a connection and suddenly getting a dog seemed like a no-brainer. I made a decision in a few seconds,” she says.
Amanda decided to call the puppy Mabel and took her home when she was eight weeks old.
“My son drove with me so I could hold her on the drive back. She was trembling because she was so afraid and as she burrowed into me I just wanted to make her feel safe and happy.”
At first, having a tiny puppy to train was a shock for Amanda. “There were lots of moments of humiliation,” she laughs.
“We were bottom of the class in puppy training because Mabel was so noisy and excited to be with other dogs.
“Nobody could hear what the trainer was saying because she barked so much.
“She also has a habit of diving into deep, muddy holes in the park. A friend had a beautifully landscaped garden with a lily pond and Mabel dived into that too.”
And Amanda’s cat Tigerlily was taken aback at having a lively pup in the house. “Mabel had to learn she can’t torment the cat.
“She loves to play so she’ll bounce up with balls and toys but the cat is just horrified and runs away.”
Despite the pup’s mischievous nature, Amanda and Mabel developed a close bond.
“It’s a bit like falling in love. You feel this animal wants to trust you and you want to honour that trust by looking after them,” she says.
Having Mabel helped give Amanda a new perspective on life.
“Having a puppy is a huge distraction. When you live on your own like I do you can get wrapped up in your own thoughts but a dog takes you out and makes you meet people.
“Even on days when I was feeling really down, going outside to walk a fluffy puppy who wanted to say hello to everyone made me feel better.”
GOING for walks has helped Amanda reconnect with nature too. “Having a dog takes you to places of beauty you would otherwise walk past without noticing.”
Since bringing Mabel home, Amanda feels happier in herself.
“A dog is an optimist. A dog wants to play. A dog sees you and thinks the day’s going to be great and because of that you cannot but be happy. I’ve got all my old positivity back and more.”
Although she still misses her mum, Amanda is coming to terms with her loss.
“When you lose someone, eventually the grief eases and you’re just left with the love you had for that person.” And while Amanda is still single, her dating life has never been better.
“Before I got Mabel I thought having a dog would be such a tie. But funnily enough my social life has really taken off,” she says.
“In the dating game there’s nothing worse than being needy but now I’m radiating an energy and self-belief that I didn’t have before.
“I’m enjoying my life and don’t feel I need anyone else. I think that’s attractive to other people.”
Now Amanda, who has published 15 novels, has found the confidence to write again and hopes to pen her 16th.
“In life you have to knock on doors and grab opportunities with both hands. Mabel has given me the energy to do that again.”
To order a copy of For The Love Of A Dog by Amanda Brookfield (£16.99, Head of Zeus), call the Express Bookshop on 01872 562 310 or visit expressbookshop.co.uk