Soap logic doesn’t wash
SOMETIMES when I’m watching the soaps, I imagine these people living in a parallel soap universe. By that, I mean one in which the same characters are encountering precisely the same situations but in this case equipped with one additional personal attribute – namely, basic common sense. As things stand, common sense is pretty much unheard of in Soapland.
Take Kate in CORONATION STREET (ITV, 7.30pm and 8.30pm). Kate (Faye Brookes, right) is desperate for a baby with her partner Rana but they’ve had a fallout this week over how best to go about this, a fallout that only intensifies tonight.
So what Kate does, in response to Rana’s latest snub, is have herself a drink or 12 – well, hey, it’s Friday – and then make a drunken proposition to the equally broody Robert, her boss, whose own hopes of parenthood have recently been dealt a blow by Michelle.
“How about you father a baby for me and Rana?” she suggests. “Help solve both our problems…”
Now, Robert’s immediate reaction to this, to be fair to him, is sound enough. “It’s a recipe for disaster,” he tells her (and Robert certainly knows about disastrous recipes). “I think you need to go home and sober up.”
What he should also be saying, to emphasise his point, is: “Have you ever actually watched Coronation Street, Kate? Do you not understand how these storylines play out?”
In a parallel, common sensedriven Soapland he’d do precisely that. Her daft idea would never be mentioned again.
But then if common sense were ever to reign in Weatherfield, eliminating every blatantly crackpot decision, how dull would that be? We’d be down to an episode a month.
So come on, Robert, Corrie fans are relying on you. Change your mind and agree to Kate’s blatantly disastrous proposal. You know it makes sense. Or, rather, it makes none whatsoever.
Elsewhere tonight, in PORTILLO’S HIDDEN HISTORY OF BRITAIN (Channel 5, 9pm), there’s a chance to see whether Michael would make a good Strictly contestant.
He’s visiting what was once the New Victoria cinema in Bradford, a former 3,000-seater (it closed its doors for the last time 18 years ago) with its own rather decadent ballroom and as a group of former regulars gather to recapture the spirit of its Thirties and Forties heyday, Michael is shown a few moves by a local teacher. “I dread being asked to dance,” he admits. “I have no sense at all of rhythm.” But he pluckily gives it a go.
“Slow, slow, quick, quick,” the teacher tells him, patiently. “No, I’m not getting it at all,” Michael sighs. “Sorry.”
Sign that man up.
Also this evening, STEVIE WONDER: A MUSICAL HISTORY (BBC4, 10pm) finds famous fans celebrating the work of the Motown legend, with classics such as Superstition, Higher Ground and For Once In My Life. “Mind you, I Just Called To Say I Love You was excruciating,” everyone’s too polite to say.