Strictly success is about the journey
AS A Strictly veteran, Class of 2013, the last year to enjoy the blandishments of beloved Brucie as host, let me take a deep breath and wade into the current controversy. Former Pussycat Doll Ashley Roberts was left on the brink of sobs as, for the second time in a row she ended up down in the dance-off dumps, despite turning in a Number 2 on the leader-board near-perfect performance.
Ladies and gentlemen, behold the hardy perennial Strictly conundrum. Should a professional terpsichorean, trained from childhood in all aspects of dance, so accomplished she has not only shaken her beautiful booty on stages and stadiums all over the world but been paid shedloads of dollars to do so, be pitched in a competition against someone who was concentrating on French verbs at school and has only ever attempted the Macarena at the occasional bar mitzvah?
If you pitch the professional against the amateur the playing field is far from level. In the words of George Orwell: “Some are more equal than others.” There’s nothing the British public dislikes more than an unfair fight.
Yet Strictly is a special case. It’s a television show, a spectacle and there has to be something attractive to watch. If every competitor stumbled clumsily onto the set, stiff as a board Judy Murraystyle, fluffing the steps and botching the routine the audience would be bored silly. A couple of hapless novices are endearing. Fifteen beginners clomping around the floor with two left feet flying in all the wrong directions would be agonising viewing. Strictly casting is crucial.
THE show needs competent dancers foxtrotting with flair from episode one. Also vital are those with a dance background who haven’t trodden the boards for a while – in my year, the beautiful former Bond star Fiona Fullerton was an ex-Royal Ballet School pupil. These contestants have a lot of brushing up to do but muscle memory guarantees they put up a jolly good show.
A sprinkling of sportsmen is essential. Athletes not only have oodles of adoring fans, they also have natural physical prowess. If their fitness translates into grace and elegance and they can commit the routines to memory, they’re on course for the most desirable Strictly ingredient of all – A JOURNEY.
It is the chronic lack of a journey that will prove Ashley Roberts’ downfall. If you start at the pinnacle, there’s nowhere higher to aim.
Strictly fans are diehard romantics at heart. We want a Cinderella story. The awkward cygnet who transforms before our very eyes into a samba-ing swan scoops more votes than the hoofer who smashes every challenge.
We are suckers for a struggle. We adore a dud who turns into a diamond. We’re partial to a love story, or at least a hint of chemistry. It must be kosher. We weren’t in the least keen on the Seann-Katya treacherous snog.
Bottom line: “Sorry Ashley. It’s not that you can’t dance. It’s that you always could.”
OFSTED CHIEF RIGHT TO LIFT THE LID ON POTTY TRAINING
words. If your child is in good health and has reached the age of four without being toilet trained, it is your fault, your responsibility and you should feel ashamed.
Potty training is a royal pain. It takes infinite patience and involves staying at home for days, or even weeks, until the message sinks in. There are embarrassments along the way. If you venture past your own front door, even to the local shop, woe betide you if you’re not toting said potty every step of the way.
Speed of success depends on the individual child.
You simply have to stick to it doggedly until you can unleash your offspring ■
RAY KELVIN, boss of Ted Baker has been accused of “forced hugging”, massaging the ears of young female staff and demanding that they sit on his knee.
A woman called my BBC Radio London Breakfast Show. She worked for the boss of an HR department. Every time she got up to make a coffee or go to the loo, he plonked himself down on her chair.
When she returned to her desk and hovered, he’d say: “What are you waiting for?”
She’d reply nervously: “You are sitting in my chair.” He’d sit tight and respond: “What’s the problem? Sit down.”
NB: he was head of HR. Who could she complain to? confidently in public places. It sounds like a tough call because it is.
Time, energy and tenacity are essential. Potty training is not something that should be delegated to teachers, nor should it be shelved until long beyond the age of two-and-a-half. Ms Spielman is accurately telling it like is is. If it makes you blush, tough.