Why not give your wife an affair for Christmas?
...That’s the shocking suggestion from leading sexologist Dr Wednesday Martin, who reckons that familiarity kills female sexual desire
THERE is a double standard in society concerning affairs of the heart. When a man cheats, we tend to think that playing away is natural for his gender and staying faithful is a struggle because he craves sex more.
In contrast, women are seen as happy to find a life partner and sleep with him alone until death them do part.
“Women who don’t conform to this social narrative are considered outside the norm and weird, even by themselves,” says Dr Wednesday Martin, a New Yorkbased anthropologist and bestselling writer who studies female sexuality, parenting and society.
“Imagine being told you don’t like sex as much as men and it is natural to be faithful, but you find yourself desiring others?
“Monogamy is a tight fit for women. Familiarity kills female sexual desire and their libido drops off over time not because they don’t like sex, but because they are bored. They are sexually adventurous and need novelty and variety, possibly more so than men, with equal and maybe higher levels of desire.”
Now Dr Martin, 52, is urging men to ask the lady in their life if she wants to “step outside” their relationship – and give her permission to fulfil an innate sexual need in a bid to make their marriage stronger.
“The greatest gift a man could give a woman for Christmas is to have a conversation about it.
“Being happy having sex with one person for a long length of time does not conform to any scientific study we have. I believe in a lot of monogamous relationships, there is a lot of suffering and people end the relationship because they have gone off sex rather than have a discussion.
“Few of us can live a life of monogamy with zeal although when it does work, it is a great situation in which to raise children. Struggling with monogamy is something we should see as our baseline, for both genders.”
The mother-of-two came to her controversial point of view while researching her new book Untrue, an exploration of female sexuality, monogamy and libido which turns much of accepted social wisdom on its head.
HER inspiration for the taboo-busting read was her own feelings of aversion to sex with just one man when in her 20s – and a more recent realisation that she was craving experiences with strangers despite having a happy marriage.
She says: “The title is a double entendre. Why is it so hard to be true and by doing so, are we being true to ourselves?”
While her claims may seem outrageous, there is a large body of new and recent evidence in the fields of anthropology, primatology and sex research that support the notion that sexual exclusivity isn’t innate in humans.
“Promiscuity and multiple mating conferred a lot of benefits in women’s evolutionary history,” she says.
“You could get a great variety
NOVEL APPROACH: Dr Martin of sperm, which increased the chances of a good genetic match, a robust pregnancy and ensured provision for your offspring. “This was a great and very adaptive strategy until around 10 to 12,000 years ago. “Then suddenly we were told it was bad and created a social narrative where monogamy was seen as the baseline for health and maturity – and anyone who swerves from that is pathological. We judge people terribly but there are plenty of cultures where that is not the belief. We need to offer solutions where people do not have be sneaky.” Sleeping other with someone than your partner isn’t uncommon. A 2015 YouGov survey found one in five Brits of both genders admits to having an affair. Dr Martin is certain the true number of women who commit adultery is even higher – and would be more so if there were no repercussions.
“The stigma is asymmetrical and we know women face greater risks, such as pregnancy and violence,” she says. “They could be left as a single parent and in some cases, don’t want to end the marriage. They are happy in the relationship, just not happy with their sex life. It is a myth that men cheat for sex and women cheat for emotional reasons.”
In spite of her advice to others, Dr Martin and her husband Joel won’t be swapping the gift of
HOW TO SATISFY YOUR DESIRES
WANT to reboot your sex life while remaining monogamous?
Dr Martin suggests three ways to stimulate the variety and novelty that the female libido naturally craves… infidelity this Christmas – and she confesses she does not like the idea of him straying.
She says: “He told me to have an affair for research, if I needed to. He is steadier and more selfconfident than me. I told him if he was fishing for permission for himself, he wasn’t having it.
“Once we started to talk about it, it didn’t change what we decided to do in our marriage in terms of turning to others, but it opened up the discussion about what could we do instead.”
● Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women And Lust And Infidelity Is Untrue by Dr Wednesday Martin is out now (Published by Scribe UK, £14.99). by jointly doing an activity that gives you a rush of adrenaline, like a zipwire or sky dive. It reproduces the effect of sexual novelty.” as separate, because over-familiarisation is the enemy of the female libido.”
HOLLYWOOD actress Kim Basinger, turning 65 this weekend, has starred opposite many dashing leading men in her time – but one appears to have made a particularly lasting impression.
Cast alongside Sir Sean Connery in 1983 Bond film Never Say Never Again, Basinger later saucily confessed: “I fantasise about riding an Arabian horse bareback with him [Sir Sean] along a sandy beach... we fall naked to the ground. We make passionate love in the moonlight.” Longtime ladies’ favourite Sir Sean was doubtlessly appreciative.
HEARTENING news for presenter Kirstie Allsopp, who made a public appeal on Twitter for a “large black scarf with fine coloured lines” after losing it on London Underground’s Central Line.
A thrilled Kirstie later revealed it had, against all odds, been discovered by a member of the public. “Twitter found my scarf,” she announced. “Chuffed to bits.”
The grateful broadcaster, pictured, is paying out a £150 reward.
RECALLING troubled 1963 movie Cleopatra, Dame Joan Collins writes in The Spectator: “The production went so over budget that thousands of staff were laid off and [film company] Fox had to sell off parcels of land to stay afloat. It was the second time the Queen of the Nile brought down an empire.”
Dame Joan, 85, was screen tested for the lead role, but has since suggested she lost out after refusing to sleep with a Hollywood executive. The part eventually went to Elizabeth Taylor, who famously starred with future husband Richard Burton.