Nightmare on Downing St as Blair returns!
THIS festive season the Inside Politics column brings you a spine-tingling fairy story about a possible nightmare Christmas yet to come. Take an imaginary trip forward in time to Christmas Eve, 2019, and read a Yuletide message from Britain’s surprise new prime minister.
Be warned, what follows is not suitable for Brexiteers of a nervous disposition. After another tumultuous year, Tony Blair is back in Downing Street.
“Hi, and merry Christmas! Frankly, who’d have predicted it? Me and Cherie back running the shop. New Year, New Britain, New Europe. But look, I’m just the same old Tony.
“You know, what a year 2019 has been. I’ve never been one for sound bites but, over the past few amazing months, I really have felt the hand of history on my shoulder.
“When Jean-Claude Juncker grabbed me, ruffled my hair, kissed me on the cheek and asked me to step in as the prime minister heading an emergency government of national unity for the country in its hour of need, what could I say but yeah, sure?
“I’ve always said I’d be always with you and here I am. Myself, my foreign secretary David Cameron and my chancellor Nick Clegg are ready to be the servants of the people once again.
“You know, it really was an extraordinary political crisis that brought me back to this job. The country did absolutely the right thing in holding that second EU referendum last spring. Going ahead with Brexit would have been a disaster, so that poll was so important for our future.
IT was the People’s Vote and that is how it will stay, how it will remain in our hearts and our memories for ever. But you know, who could have possibly forecast the People’s Vote would have been a dead heat? “Quite literally, Brexit split our country right down the middle. As you remember, 16,775,991 of you voted to Leave the EU and 16,775,991 voted to Remain. Even after 37 recounts, the result was the same.
“Sure, the people voted, but the electorate couldn’t decide. So that’s why the EU appointed politicians of real expertise and experience to sort out the mess, just like it did so successfully in Greece and Italy.
“Let me pay tribute to my predecessor, Theresa May. Look, I have nothing but sincere admiration for her doggedness in keeping on keeping on, despite all the shenanigans. But let’s face up to it, all those ministerial rows about no deal or Norway-plus or what have you only showed how outdated Cabinet government had become. We’re a young country with a great European future ahead of us. Let’s take crucial decisions in a truly modern way, on my sofa in Downing Street.
“I’ve already made some tough decisions. On New Year’s Day, this country embarks on an exciting new era as a proud member of the euro zone. Hard-working families will feel a real benefit from earning and spending euros rather than the outdated pound. And genuine open borders at last, from our new membership of the Schengen Area, will mean we can welcome millions of new citizens to help our economy grow.
“I’m also staying true to my promise to be tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime. The rioting we have seen across the country following Nick’s emergency tax rises has been, frankly, unacceptable. We are doing everything we can to tackle the yellow-jacket protesters and other extremists intent on wrecking our future.
LOOK, this national unity government won’t be here for ever. In the New Year, we’ll be organising free and fair elections to the European Parliament so there can be real accountability to our direct rule from Brussels.
“I really do want to wish everyone a great festive break. Just to show we can come together as Europeans, let’s all join hands and sing the Ode to Joy. From Cherie, Jean-Claude and me, it’s Joyeux Noel à tout le monde!” ED Miliband’s Christmas card, featuring a cartoon of the ridiculous stone tablet of Labour pledges the party unveiled under his leadership, has bombed. “This is not funny,” was Labour MP Ian Austin’s verdict on Twitter. He added: “Losing the 2015 election, his useless campaign and that ridiculous Ed Stone, the five awful wasted years of his leadership, changing how Labour elects its leaders, all the damage that has been done since - how can he joke about that?”
SHADOW EU exit secretary Sir Keir Starmer began his Christmas break with an appropriately titled theatrical experience. “After a busy few weeks in Parliament on Brexit issues, it’s the Horrible Histories show tonight with our children at Alexandra Palace,” the Labour frontbencher said on Twitter. A REPORT about updating Commons procedures recommends giving ministers more time to take up their front bench seats “so that the public perception of the business of the chamber is that it is orderly and dignified.” Such a move would be welcome news to Treasury Chief Secretary Elizabeth Truss, who ended up sitting on Home Secretary Sajid Javid during a recent scramble.
SPEAKER John Bercow’s handy new “quick guide” to taking part in Commons debates urges: “Don’t insult another member or accuse them of lying.” Given the furious clashes last week, it doesn’t look like Mr Bercow’s advice is being heeded.