Loyal partners in grime
SINCE business is quiet, the pathology pals from SILENT WITNESS (BBC1, 9pm) decide to shut up shop, take the day off and pootle into the countryside for a picnic. First, however, Nikki pings one last text to her local detective pals, just to be on the safe side.
“Look, are you absolutely sure there haven’t been any hideously brutal, stomach-churningly savage murders today that you’d like us to help you investigate?” she asks.
“I mean, obviously it’s not meant to be our job, never has been and this whole arrangement we’ve had between us now for, what, 21-odd series is frankly quite preposterous, the way it’s us lot who pretty much always solve the crime but honestly that’s fine, we’d only get bored otherwise and we’re kind of at a loose end…”
Yes, extraordinary as it may seem, none of that happens in tonight’s Silent Witness, the first in what really is the 22nd series of BBC1’s horribly addictive (or do I mean addictively horrible..?) crime drama.
It’s just the usual fail-safe formula: an appalling, seemingly inexplicable killing before we’ve even had the opening titles – paving the way for further senseless savagery to come, of course, these being the usual Monday-Tuesday two-nighters – and workaholic Nikki, despite barely having touched down on UK soil after a trip the States, seizing the first opportunity to throw on one of those natty all-in-one paper suits and start poking around the crime scene – in this case a particularly grimy public convenience.
Returning elsewhere tonight, in a broadly less disturbing vein, we have MY MILLION POUND MENU (BBC2, 8pm), the show that’s exactly like a foodie Dragon’s Den, sort of.
Hosted by Fred Sirieix (right) the French front-of-house chap from Channel 4’s First Dates, each episode features three would-be restaurant businesses effectively pleading for money from people who appear to have an awful lot of it.
Of the three teams pleading (and here’s a bit of a tweak from the way it was done in series one, as eagle-eyed viewers will spot), the one considered to have the greatest business potential will open to the public in Manchester, in a super new 50-seater restaurant.
That team then has two days to prove it deserves longterm, big-money backing.
Once final service is over, it must wait and see if it’s done enough.
Will one of the investors walk back in and make an offer? Will it be more than one? Or, heaven forbid, will none of them show?
As the clock ticks down to the deadline, nails are gnawed to the quick.
Oh, and if you’re a particular fan of Fred himself – which I’m sure you are, who wouldn’t be? – you’ll be pleased to hear he plays a far bigger role in the format this time around. Imagine Evan Davis and Gregg Wallace rolled into one, with a Gallic twist. Actually, no, on second thoughts don’t do that, it’ll only give you nightmares. Elsewhere tonight, on THE SECRET LIFE OF THE ZOO (C4, 8pm), Visayan warty pig Wendy makes a bid for freedom.