Why I put myself on a year-long man ban

CATHERINE GRAY decided to give up dating, sex and even holding hands for 12 long months. Here the author tells us what she learned

FIVE years ago, when I was 33 and single, my dad called me a spinster. It was meant to be a joke but I didn’t see the funny side. Despite the fact that I had a lovely family and lots of friends, hearing that word – with its connotations of being washed up and left on the shelf – made me feel like a total failure.

And I know I’m not alone. Getting married and having kids is often still seen as a measure of success for women.

If you don’t follow the pattern, people start feeling sorry for you. And then you start feeling sorry for yourself.

Having been a serial dater since I was old enough to leave the house, I was always desperate to find “the one”.

My friends used to call me “love monkey” because I’d swing from man to man.

But in the wake of spinster-gate I decided to take my happiness into my own hands.

I had always felt I needed to meet someone in order to have a happy future and I knew that had to change.

So from March 2014 to March 2015, I deleted my dating apps and vowed to learn to be happily single.

For a whole year I didn’t date, I didn’t have sex, I didn’t even hold a man’s hand.

And what I learned changed me forever.

SINGLE PEOPLE AREN’T LONELY

I get asked a lot if I’m lonely because I live by myself.

Recently someone asked what my day looks like, as if

I come home each night and cry into my microwave meal for one.

But the truth is I’m not remotely lonely.

It has been shown that single people have more friends and are more active in their community.

When you’re in a couple you tend to be more insular and this means friends can often fall away.

Research has shown we lose on average two friends when we get into a long-term relationship.

APPS ARE ADDICTIVE

I used to meet people online and I was on a lot of dating apps, often meeting up to four potential dates each week.

I found apps addictive and ended up spending far too much time on them. So now

I’m very mindful using any app to make sure I don’t get obsessed with it.

To be honest though, I think it’s a shame people don’t chat each other up any more in real life.

SINGLE ME IS THE REAL ME

Being single for a year helped me to discover lots of things about myself that I didn’t know already.

For example, I found I really like teenage American TV dramas such as How To Get Away With Murder. Before I’d always watched whatever my boyfriend wanted to watch.

You do that when you’re in a couple – you like what they like, even if you don’t. But when you’re single you fully discover what you

like and who you are, because there is nobody else to consider.

I got really into photography and doing yoga. I also decided to move to Bruges, which I would never have done if I was in a relationship with someone.

MY DATE IS NOT AN ATM

For self-esteem, I hasten to add, not money. If I had low selfesteem,

I used to go on dates to draw happiness from the other person.

It was a bit like getting money from a cash machine but withdrawing compliments instead of £20.

But this doesn’t make you happier in the long run.

I don’t rely on men for my self-esteem.

THE FUTURE IS EXCITING

I used to be so scared about never finding Mr Right that I didn’t even let myself think about it in case it might happen.

These days I’m not scared – a relationship is not a necessity, it’s a choice.

I don’t care so much if it doesn’t work out and no longer spend hours waiting for my phone to ring.

And I’ve started saving a deposit to buy somewhere by myself, whereas before I was waiting to meet someone to start saving to buy with them.

I’ve lived in Barcelona and Bruges but I’d love to live in Paris and Bali too. And I want to settle in a farmhouse in the country with lots of animals.

Yes it would be nice to have someone to help me look after them. But if not, I’ll just hire a stable hand.

A BOYFRIEND IS MERELY A BONUS

I was so nervous before the first date after my year off. We went out a couple of times and slept together. Then he lost interest.

While once I would have cared, this time I didn’t.

I have a new perspective on life, that I am enough.

A boyfriend is merely a bonus. I am dating at the minute but I’m definitely still single.

I gave up men because I was addicted and dependent on them for happiness. Now I know I can be happy without.

● To order a copy of The Unexpected Joy Of Being Single by Catherine Gray (£9.99, Aster) call The Express Bookshop on 01872 562 310 or visit expressbookshop. co.uk

HIT SINGLE: Catherine Gray had the time of her life doing what she wanted, when she wanted, during a year away from the dating scene