How I overcame my inner demons

Almost one in five young people thinks life is not worth living. On Time To Talk Day, ELLY BLAKE meets campaigner Nikki Mattocks

FROM a very young age, Nikki Mattocks was targeted by vicious playground bullies who picked on her appearance and called her names such as “weird” and “fat”. They even played “ugly chase” with her, similar to the children’s game kiss chase but with a cruel twist.

In a bid to fit in, Nikki played along but the bullying made her feel isolated and worthless. “I first started to experience mental health problems when I was six years old and bullied at school,” she says. “It was mainly about the way I looked and the fact that I had no friends.”

As Nikki got older, playground bullying transformed into cyber bullying and she would receive abusive messages from socalled friends, who spread rumours and made nasty comments about her online.

The abuse chipped away at Nikki’s self-esteem to the point where she started to have suicidal thoughts. “I said to my mum, ‘I don’t want to be on this earth’. I was very shy and reclusive. I didn’t feel able to socialise. I had a lot of anxiety.”

At 14, she was diagnosed with depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and an emerging emotionally unstable personality disorder after she began to hear voices in her head, which drove her to self-harm. “I was using drugs and alcohol to cope with how I was feeling.

“It was a really rough couple of years, I was in and out of hospital having therapy. I felt absolutely worthless, like there was no hope for the future. There was no point in anything. I didn’t want to breathe. There was a really heavy, aching pain in my chest that followed me around everywhere.”

Mental health problems affect one in four people and the stigma that surrounds them is part of the reason young people can be so reluctant to open up.

On one occasion after coming out of hospital Nikki was crushed after being told she was no longer welcome to stay over at one of her friend’s house.

“I had just come out of hospital and wanted to stay at a friend’s house,” she explains. “But her mum said no because she had read in the newspaper about a schizophrenic who had murdered her children. I was gobsmacked. Yes, I was hearing voices but, firstly, I’m not schizophrenic and, secondly, they had known me for years and knew that I have never been violent so why did she suddenly think that? It made me so angry.”

Luckily for Nikki there was light at the end of the tunnel. After moving house and starting at a new college to study psychology and sociology, Nikki met a supportive group of friends.

Now Nikki, who is 21 and lives in Croydon, is an ambassador for the campaign Time To Change which is fighting to put an end to mental health discrimination.

She runs a peer support group and through volunteering has been given the opportunity to discuss mental health with members of the Royal Family, such as Kate the Duchess of Cambridge, pictured with Nikki, above left.

● More details: time-to-change.org.uk