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Half of Britons who feel unsafe on a date are too polite to leave. ALEX LLOYD finds out why
tHE profile picture looked promising, his vital statistics were right up her street. But when Rae Radford sat down next to her online date in a quiet bar, she was in for a shock. “He turned his face and I realised he had a tattoo down one side – the side which hadn’t been on display in his photo,” says the 56-year-old divorcee.
“When we’d spoken, he told me he had quite a responsible job, he had a lovely car, nice house. But the way he looked didn’t fit with that description and all he talked about was violence.
“It was only my second date after coming out of a long-term relationship and he made me feel really vulnerable. I could see my car and I wondered how I could get out but I felt I needed to keep him calm, not run off. I was petrified.”
Despite all the warnings about stranger danger and online safety, Rae is not alone when it comes to feeling unable to leave a date that is turning sour or worse still, dangerous.
Last week, a report by dating app Plenty of Fish revealed that almost a quarter of Britons who have been on a date in the past 12 months have felt concerned for their safety. But of these, 49 per cent have ignored their gut instinct and stayed longer than they wanted to avoid causing any offence.
The Safer Dating Report also found that many daters do not take basic safety precautions. Only 20 per cent stay in contact with a loved one when meeting a date for the first time, while 23 per cent have that initial liaison alone and in private, rather than in a public place. AE says that while she is a confident person, she has rarely felt comfortable leaving a bad date. “I don’t know if it is a generational thing,” says the social media manager from Herne Bay, Kent. “I think many young girls of today would just get up and go, but it depends what you are like.
“I know women who have turned up and said, ‘Let’s not waste each other’s time’, been completely upfront and bold. I’ve thought about it but not done it. It comes down to your personality.”
Civil servant Katty Grassi, 26, from London, says shame stopped her escaping her worst online dating experience. This came after her date told her he would ‘beat it out of him’ if his best friend came out as gay, then stroked her thigh through a hole in her tights.
“He commented on how soft I was and when I tightened up, he proceeded to tell me that I must be a virgin,” she says.
“I felt stupid, embarrassed and angry – but didn’t feel like I could say anything. I even kissed him goodnight at the end.”
Account manager Claire Foster, 27, also felt obliged to kiss rather than flee a date who came on too strong in a quiet bar because he humiliated her when she protested. “I said I couldn’t handle such a public display of affection when everyone was watching,” she says.
“He told me I was egotistical for thinking people cared and it hit home hard, to the point where I continued partaking in this horrendous humiliating act.”
Lizzie Cernik, 34, says unwanted physical contact on first dates is a common problem. “I treat online dating as a way to slowly get to know someone – they’re essentially a stranger to me to begin with,” says the writer who lives in London.
“Moving too quickly makes me feel uncomfortable but I rarely say anything unless they massively overstep a line. I don’t want to be unkind or make things awkward.
“One date last year was more like a job interview with gin, but halfway through he moved across the table so he could put his arm FORMER undercover police officer and cyber security expert one of the authors of dating app Plenty of Fish’s Safer Dating Report, gives her top tips on meeting a stranger for the first time:
Carry out background checks on your date. around me. I sat in silent horror for about three minutes before I could continue the conversation. I didn’t say anything as I felt it would be rude, but his familiarity made my skin crawl.”
This very British kind of aversion to hurting someone’s feelings could ultimately be dangerous, which is why the Ask For Angela scheme was set up in Lincolnshire in 2016.
Pubs and bars which are signed up to the initiative agree to help customers and their belongings make a safe and discreet exit from an uncomfortable situation when they give staff the code word “Angela”. Founder Hayley Child, sexual violence and abuse strategy coordinator for Lincolnshire County Council, says a continued stigma around looking for love online means daters do not always tell friends and family who they are
Playing it safe
Always tell someone you trust who you are meeting, where and when. Arrive first to get the lay of the land. meeting. “Years ago, when we met people in bars, you picked up on body language and who their friends were before you made a date,” she says. “You knew exactly what they looked like. You had security measures in place.
“With internet dating, you may have spoken to them online for two weeks so your senses are down, but you are still meeting a complete stranger,” she says.
“You put yourself in quite a vulnerable situation. The scheme is designed to provide a safety net.”
The simple but effective idea has now spread around the UK and as far afield as Australia.
“I’m really proud to see how far it has gone and the reason it has been implemented is because it is needed and it is simple,” says Hayley. “I have even heard that a perpetrator was arrested for sexual assault Arrange your transport to and from the date ahead of time.
Get a friend to call at a pre-arranged time – even if the date is going well. FLIRTING WITH DISASTER: Even if you have chatted online for weeks, a first encounter with an online date is still a meeting with a stranger because his victim asked for Angela in a nightclub, and when they got her away she explained the situation and they rang the police.”
Hayley, who won the Suzy Lamplugh Safety Campaign of the Year Award 2017, says people need to be assertive in these difficult situations, although not everyone will feel able to do so. “It’s knowing what you can and can’t say without someone humiliating you. We need to be teaching people how to be more assertive, but you can use the Angela scheme to avoid confrontation,” she says. “If I were going on an internet date, there are also things I would do to stay safe, like taking screenshots of their details and sending them to a trusted friend, along with details of where you are going, how long for and arranging a check in time.
“Meet in a bar that is running Ask For Angela so that you know staff will help you if you need it. Never meet someone at home – always go somewhere public.”
That’s a lesson journalist Emmie Harrison, 25, learned as a teen after her date took her to a McDonald’s drive-thru in his car before parking at a deserted business park.
“I hadn’t seen anyone for a few minutes and I was really terrified. The doors were locked on the inside,” she says. “I tried to keep chatty, taking my mind off the fact I was in a dangerous situation. Eventually he took me home and we never spoke again.
“I’ve never been so aware of my vulnerability as on that date. I wish I’d been brave enough to say no.
“I’ve had dates since where I’ve politely stayed but have never felt unsafe. Thankfully, now I’m engaged and met my partner working at a summer camp, so we didn’t have to do that dating stuff.”