Roman numerals going out of fashion? Not on my watch

The Brexit saga rumbles on, the winter weather’s dismal… we desperately need a bit of fun. Luckily a puntastic comedy show was held yesterday

THE sixth annual UK Pun Championships, hosted by comic Jason Byrne, took place at the Leicester Comedy Festival this week. The show follows the format of a rap battle and takes place in a boxing ring surrounded by the audience who wait for a knockout verbal blow. Groans at the ready, here are the best and worst of the finalists’ wordplay… AKA Stevie Vegas and Steve the Juggler, is an entertainer from Stirling now living in Northants.

Can anyone remind me how to use WD-40? I’m a bit rusty.

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● Managed to swallow the entire DVD boxset of James Bond, then I got the Living Daylights kicked out of me.

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I put my hair in a bun yesterday. It tasted horrible.

● My stomach gets upset and criticises me every time I perform in a talent contest. I must be suffering from Irritable Cowell Syndrome.

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Decided to clean my house with a Dalmation. Now it’s spotless.

Twitter:@SteveJuggler is an IT manager at a debt relief charity and is from London.

Seaweed is good for you. If you’re ever in trouble, sea kelp.

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● I love Stormzy’s song Blinded By Your Grace, about the Archbishop of Canterbury failing to dip his headlights.

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IKEA now has a lingerie department. The opening ceremony took place in front of an assembled thong.

● In the bedroom my wife likes to throw clay at me. She’s playdough masochistic.

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In Iceland they have a shop that sells tepid food called Britain.

Twitter: @roblavs is a comedian and secondary school teacher from North Devon

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I’m a very meticulous amputee,

I like to get my prosthetic to always fit properly. Yesterday I was out jogging and my leg came loose. I was kicking myself.

● Being a below knee amputee comedian it’s hard doing jokes about loosing my leg. It only happened four years ago...so I’m still finding my feet.

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I was watching a rude X-rated film when all of a sudden my dad’s sister appeared on the screen for the end of the movie. That was an auntie climax.

● I’m sooo gangster. The other day this American rapper annoyed me so I stole his hat and put it on a donkey. Yeah, I popped an ass in his cap!

Twitter: @ colinleggo works in film production, is Lancashire-born but now lives in London ● One man sells rotten fruit. The other sells

rotten vegetables. But who, is truly, the grocer?

● It all ended very quickly for my last husband. What a shotgun wedding that was. Which is ironic, giving that I used a rifle.

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Roman Numerals going out of fashion? Not on my watch.

● I could really do with a bigger salary. (Handed celery) Ah thanks! I could only afford a tiny one!

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You say alopecia, I say i’ll-a-pieceyou-together-a-hair-piece!

Twitter: @EleanorColville is a stand-up comedian from London

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How can you tell you’re eating a Brexit Christmas dinner?

No Brussels or Turkey and we no longer have a seat at the table.

● My friends keep trying to set me up with people, but I spend a lot of time at parties hiding behind plants because I’m socially orchid.

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I bought a DC kitchen set recently. It contains a Bat-pan, Super-pan, Aqua-pan and a Wonder Woo-pan. But I don’t use them much, they were a Flash in the pan and now they’re sitting on my Side-borg.

Twitter: @Adelecliff is an event manager from

North London.

He also writes social media for

Have I Got News For You and puns for BBC Radio 4 Extra’s Newsjack.

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I bought my girlfriend some slinky underwear, now she keeps falling down the stairs.

● Onion rings, I didn’t answer though.

● I know a baker who uses a gardening tool, he’s raking in the dough.

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I see Cliff Richard is getting online abuse, he’s got himself some lying, talking, Tweeting, stalking, living trolls.

● Why does Donald Trump continuously dress the Christmas tree? Because people kept saying moron to him.

Twitter: @rwoolfordcomedy is a corporate/ documentary filmmaker in London

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I tried performing some comedy to

Peter Pan and the Lost Boys. But my jokes never land.

● Why is Moe Szyslak always saying he wants to kill the young Simpson boy? Because he’s a Bart-ender.

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I’ve been using the following chat up line on Tinder: “Hey girl, have you ever taken out a loan? Because I’m alone :( ”

● I had the worst housemate named Carl. He kept breaking the washing machine so I ended up killing him. I soon realised that washing machines do last longer with Carl-gone.

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Einstein’s girlfriend said to him: “Einstein, I just need two things from you right now, time and space.” He replied, “Yeah, and what’s the second thing?”

Twitter: @Musicjoe11 aka Alf, is a graphic designer from North Devon.

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When I was young I was adopted by a man called Daz, so I grew up referring to him as my non-biological father.

● When I split up with my girlfriend she kept all my Kevin Bacon films and small French cakes. But on a plus side, I am now Footloose and fancy free.

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Let’s hear it for Protein Powder. Whey!!!

● I once bought my wife a bucket with a rope attached for her birthday… That went down well.

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Sad news. My obese parrot died today. It is, however, a huge weight off my shoulders.

● I’ve written a book called, How to be a Ladder Hoarder. It’s a step buy step buy step buy step buy step guide’.

Twitter: @whoelsebutalf

● Details on the Leicester Comedy Festival at comedy-festival.co.uk. Tickets go to: 0116 456 6812. Twitter: @LeicsComedyFest