Odd stream of consciousness

PHONES 4U tycoon John Caudwell is a fascinating fellow. He marches to the beat of his own drum, never following the pack and at 66 has decided the ultimate symbol of haute deco is to run a swirling river through his dining room.

Anyone who has aspired to a simple garden pond or even a Charlie Dimmock-esque water feature will know that an aquatic installation, big or small, is never quite what it seems. Algae abound. Strange unwelcome forms of water life colonise and dominate. The smell is... let’s say surprising. Inconsistent shades veer from murky to bile green.

As a conversation piece, there’s nothing more fertile. As a picturesque adornment to a gilded castle: not recommended.