In business of mocking
NOT only is THE APPRENTICE back (BBC1, 9pm), but it’s telling us it’s “bigger and better than ever”. Personally, I long for the day when a returning TV series will declare: “We’re back, but to be honest we’re pretty much the same as always. Hope you don’t mind.”
Because, in all honesty, I wouldn’t. I’ve always loved The Apprentice, almost as much as my wife loathes it.
MrsWard refuses to even watch, insisting it’s full of insufferable, self-aggrandising, cliche-spouting ninnies.Whereas me, I lap it up, on the basis that it’s full of insufferable, self-aggrandising, cliche-spouting ninnies who invariably come a cropper, which makes me laugh my socks off.
For episode one the ninnies are off to Cape Town – OK, that is a bit of an upgrade – to set up their own safari and vineyard tours. But not before we’ve been introduced, and heard them big themselves up with the usual twonkspeak.“In the business jungle there is one rule,” insists one chap. “Hunt or be hunted. And this hunter always catches his prey.”
“Sometimes I wonder if I’ve gone too far,” declares another. “But nothing in business is too far…”
“Please punch me very hard on the nose,” demands a third. “It’s the least I deserve.And MrsWard will love you for it.”
Elsewhere, a new two-parter, THE SCIENCE OF SLEEP: HOW TO SLEEP BETTER (Channel 5, 9pm), is conducting a big experiment at a state-of-the-art research centre. For this, explains co-host Gaby Roslin: “We have enlisted four of Britain’s best sleepers.”
Now, this in itself I find quite intriguing. Has there been a Britain’s Best Sleeper competition that somehow I’ve missed? If so, can I find it on catch-up?
Give me that over Game Of Thrones any day.
Anyway, yes, so they’ve hired these super-sleepers so they can basically mess with their heads, depriving them of sleep in order to monitor how bad that is for their brain.
The conclusion is: it’s really, really bad. In one test, we see how dangerous sleep deprivation can be when these people get behind a steering wheel. I suspect it’s even worse if that steering wheel is inside an actual moving car, but wisely in this case it isn’t.
Finally, there’s frustrating news for Portwenn’s GP in episode two of edgy seaside thriller DOC MARTIN (ITV, 9pm).
The General Medical Council has decided Martin must pass three refresher courses if he’s to carry on in the job.
“I have to say, Mr Speaker,” is his response, “I’ve never heard such humbug in all my life…”
Oops, beg your pardon, wrong notebook…
“It’s ridiculous,” Dr Martin cries.