BEACHCOMBER

102 YEARS OLD AND STILL IMPROVING THE CLASSICS...

THE tale of Orpheus has inspired many writers and composers and the English National Opera is bringing us four operas on the theme in its current season, but I feel the myth needs bringing up to date.

The story tells of Orpheus’s attempt to bring his lover Eurydice back from Hades after her untimely death. Moved by Orpheus’s lamentations and his singing, the gods rule that he may lead Eurydice out of the underworld but must not speak to her or look back at her on the journey.

However, he cannot resist the need to check she is following him. He turns round, looks at her, and she drops dead again.

Yet he could surely have avoided problems with an appeal to the Supreme Court that the gods’ conditions were not valid. His argument would be that Eurydice cannot suffer the death penalty because Orpheus has broken their rules. This is against her human rights.

Counsel for the gods would argue that their actions took place when Eurydice was dead, so they cannot be ruled to have killed her. But the Supreme Court judges would point out that had Orpheus not looked back, she would have exited Hades and lived, so she was never dead and the prorogation of her life was illegal.

The terms for Orpheus exiting Hades would, in any case, have surely been part of a negotiation. As is well known, a ferryman named Charon must be paid to carry souls across the River Styx into Hades, but whether Orpheus can buy a day return is unclear. Furthermore, the transmission of goods out of Hades needs new rules, for trade has always been in the other direction. Is Charon expected to examine all goods that cross the Styx? Would both ferry terminals require manned customs points? If the Ferrymen’s Union refuses to let Charon do the job, should the customs officers be alive or dead? All these matters will be discussed in my forthcoming work provisionally entitled Brexit: The Opera.

The hero Borpheus is passionate about Euro-ditching, which he must accomplish before the end of October or he will die.

He has been told not to divulge his plans before the deadline, but how can he cross the Styx without telling his secrets to Charon’s negotiating team? The problem is, I have no idea how the story ends.