PTSD made me forget a flatmate I’d lived with for two years
The radio presenter tells CHRISTINE SMITH how being caught up in the 7/7 bombings left her with amnesia
IT IS 14 years since Capital Xtra and QVC presenter, Shanie Ryan, found herself caught up in one of London’s worst ever terrorist attacks – the 7/7 bombings, which saw 56 people killed and 700 injured. Shanie, who was 20 in July 2005, had been travelling to her dance graduation and in a split-second decision that was to potentially save her life, she had got off the Underground train’s first carriage at King’s Cross to say goodbye to her flatmate, Leon, before jumping back into the second carriage. One of the bombers had stepped in to that first carriage as she stepped off and minutes later a bomb exploded.
“I thought there had been a terrible crash,” she recalls.
“I managed to escape from all the debris and get out of the Underground. I was met by medics who tried to put me in an ambulance but all I wanted to do was escape. I’d perforated my eardrum and I had lung damage but I just ran and ran to my college.
“When I got there, everyone looked at me as if I had crawled out of a war zone. I was covered in soot and I had charcoal in my eyes. It was then someone broke the news that it was a terrorist attack. I was completely traumatised.”
SHANIE managed to get home and spent the next seven days glued to the TV. “I was obsessed with watching the news to try to find out what had happened to help clear my head until my mum told me to stop because she could see it wasn’t doing me any good,” she says.
“In the weeks that followed, I tried to resume my life as best as I could but it was very much a blur.”
Soon after, Shanie was diagnosed with PTSD and while she received some therapy for a short time, it was too soon and she says it took her over a year to start feeling more like herself.
Despite being determined to get on with rebuilding her life, Shanie noticed some different symptoms emerging other than the more common ones suffered by those with PTSD, such as feeling depressed and anxious in crowded spaces.
“I have always had a brilliant memory,” she explains. “As a child, I was learning scripts and my memory was a very strong muscle.
“But as time passed by after that awful day, I started to notice that I couldn’t remember things. It would be weird moments where, for example, someone would start talking about our school friends and I wouldn’t have a clue who they were. No amount of anecdotes could trigger my mind unless something silly like an outfit they always wore was pointed out – then I would slowly start to recall them. “It left me feeling overwhelmed.” The turning point came three years ago when a friend came up to Shanie and started recalling their college prom.“He started talking about something that had happened the night of the prom. It was a big deal at the time but I had no clue what he was talking about. He mentioned someone called Amelia and I replied: ‘Who the hell is Amelia?’
“He looked at me as if I were crazy and said: ‘Please tell me you are kidding me – she was your flatmate for two years’. I couldn’t remember who she was.
“Eventually he reminded me she dated a man with a skinhead cut and it was only then that I remembered her.
“I felt like I had lost my mind. It was weird that somebody who had an excellent memory could not remember someone they lived with.”
Determined to get to the bottom of her memory loss, Shanie, who presents her own podcast series called Influence Me with social media influencers that tackle issues like mental health, body image and entrepreneurism, started listening to medical podcasts which helped her enormously.
“One doctor explained a lot of important developments in a woman’s brain take place between the ages of 21 and 25 when the frontal lobe develops.
“I discovered any impact on the brain’s development can manifest itself in different ways including the loss of memory.
“While my brain has attempted to protect me from memories of the attack, it has also erased other memories in the process.
“It does not pick or choose which parts it protects.”
SHE says she felt relieved to have found why she was having difficulty remembering events, including her 21st birthday. “Thank goodness I have photographs,” she laughs before adding: “If it weren’t for the pictures, I would not be able to remember which bar I held the party in, nor who attended it.
“What should be a momentous landmark is one I now forget. Likewise, if I haven’t met someone for a long time, I will have difficulty in recalling who they are. People must think that I’m rude,” she laughs.
Interestingly, the memory loss only affects long-term events. Shanie, who lives in Croydon with her partner Tony, adds: “I am a presenter for Capital Xtra and I can always remember my scripts.”
Time – and therapy – have been a great healer for Shanie.
“I had to be in control and plan everything to the nth degree. If things didn’t go exactly as planned it would throw me. My friends were getting more and more irritable that nothing was ever spontaneous so six years ago I went to see a PTSD expert.
“The sessions help relax me and I am a lot more chilled nowadays. I am happy to go with the flow.”
She hopes sharing her story will help others. “At the end of the day, I could have been one of the 56 that didn’t survive. I don’t want my long-term memory loss to define me. I want to embrace life every single day.”