MARCH OF THE GASTRO MUTANTS
Pigs-in-blankets pizzas and sprout-flavour smoothies… stop this seasonal hybrid-food madness, says JAMES MOORE
IN a classic Christmas episode of hit sitcom Gavin & Stacey, Rob Brydon’s Uncle Bryn cradles a glass of Irish cream liqueur and enthuses: “You think you’ve seen it all. You think there can’t possibly be anywhere else to go with it – and then they come with this. Mint Baileys. I mean, what will they think of next?” While the comedy character marvelled at this tasty twist on a seasonal tipple, he touched on a Yuletide trend that leaves me feeling increasingly exasperated. In recent years we have seen a growing pre-Christmas frenzy by food and drink suppliers to come up with ever-wackier spins on our traditional festive fare in a desperate bid to tempt our taste-buds and goad us to spend ever more on the annual food extravaganza. This year’s crop of nutty creations filling the nation’s supermarkets include a 6ft “pig in blanket” sausage from Aldi. I’m not sure if you’re supposed to eat it or put it on the tree. Also designed to usher us away from a perfectly reasonable and straightforward Christmas dinner is the chain’s halloumi cheese wrapped in bacon. It even offers a kebab featuring pigs in blankets, pork, sage and onion-stuffing balls. Not to be outdone, rival Lidl has come up with a “pigs in blanket pizza”. Also giving me the needle is Asda’s Christmas tree-shaped pizza topped with turkey, stuffing, cranberry sauce and yes, pigs in blankets. The list goes mercilessly on. Tesco is offering a chocolate pig in blanket and Iceland has gone the whole hog with a pie stuffed with the entire contents of a Christmas dinner. Even the humble Brussels sprout isn’t left alone – there’s a tempura (Japanese fried) version – while Asda and Walkers have both conjured Brussels sprout-flavoured crisps and Pickering’s Gin makes a sprout-flavoured spirit.
YOU CAN forget about an ordinary cheeseboard, too. Asda has gingerbread-flavoured Wensleydale and Stilton with a hint of after-dinner mint.
And if Christmas pudding or “Yule log” was not sufficient, it has also given us green and red elf-themed ice cream, adding to the mince pie-flavour treats cluttering the High Street.
On Boxing Day morning, if you didn’t overdose on its snowball wreath dessert the day before you can munch on M&S’s trifle-flavour breakfast cereal and later, tuck into some of the Co-op’s ham hock bon-bons.
Then, if you’ve really lost the plot, you could even try an edible candle. Yes, it really exists.
There’s no escape. Cafes and restaurants are in on the act too.
Itsu has cracker gyozas: red dumplings stuffed with turkey, pork, bacon, sage and cranberry.
Costa offers “Pigs & Blankets Mac & Cheese”,
Greggs has
Christmas lunch soup and EAT makes a Yorkshire pudding wrap containing Christmas dinner. Ask Italian has Christmas carbonara with sprouts.
By now, Gavin & Stacey’s Bryn would be doing cartwheels and sipping his turkey-flavour gins, M&S’s trifle-flavour liqueur and mince pie martini – and perhaps treating his hangover with an M&S Christmas pudding or sprout smoothie.
The trend shows no sign of abating. Nicholas Carroll, an analyst at Mintel, says that the vogue for unusual Christmas food and drink has been accelerating while former British Bake Off Winner Frances Quinn says: “Bling is in”. M&S proves her right with clementine gin liqueur containing gold leaf pieces.
The prime culprit steering this Frankenstein-food fashion is the pioneering chef Heston Blumenthal, the man responsible for giving the world snail porridge.
When Blumenthal brought out his Christmas puddings with a hidden orange in 2010 they sold out so quickly that they ended up changing hands online for up to £250. Each year, with Waitrose, he has more unnecessary Christmas creations, including bacon and banana-flavoured trifle and – this year – spiced mincemeat gammon plus fig and port cheesecake.
Profit and our need for novelty also drive this barmy bandwagon – and little wonder when we spend £4billion on groceries during the week before Christmas.
I’m not adverse to new things to eat but they detract from the traditional Christmas treats that have served us well for generations.
The individual components of Christmas dinner have been honed over hundreds of years and ought to be revered for their perfect simplicity.
Fortunately, the appeal of the classic, straightforward Christmas dinner and Christmas pudding is still huge – eight out of 10 of us still prefer it according, to one poll, and over twothirds of us say it’s one of our favourite meals.
Indeed, it’s also largely propaganda that the nation hates sprouts, with one survey showing that we actually favour them over other veg at Christmas.
Christmas food is tasty enough without adulteration. The humble mince pie, for instance, is a thing of exquisite perfection.
But unless we treasure our festive food we’re in danger of losing it in a mire of gimmicks.
Many of our Christmas traditions are already in peril. After all, killjoys have already discouraged mistletoe as it might encourage poor sexual behaviour. Will they come for our chestnut stuffing next?
Fashions change, of course. In bygone years we might have eaten peacock or mince pies with actual mince but we’re lucky Blumenthal has not yet come up with his own take on the fried caterpillars liked by South Africans at Christmas.
I’ll be eating a proper Christmas dinner. And for the purveyors of these fads, I propose a new “bah humbug” prize for the one that most sticks in the throat.