BEACHCOMBER
103 YEARS OLD AND STILL WORRIED ABOUT MICE...
THE CASE has finally begun in the High Court against Mrs Farmer, who is accused of causing suffering to animals contrary to the Animal Welfare Act (2006). Specifically she is charged with unlicensed amputation of the tails of three sightless rodents. Mr Hiller Beanz QC appears for the prosecution, Mr Merkyn Threadbare for the defence, and the case is heard before Judge Alicia “Moose” Horseblanket III.
In his opening statement to the jury, Mr Beanz said that the case against Mrs Farmer was clear. Using a crude, sharp implement, to wit one carving knife which would be presented in evidence, she had performed a caudectomy on the three rodents who would appear as witnesses. The judge queried the use of the word ‘caudectomy’ which she asserted did not appear in the Oxford English Dictionary. Mr Beanz informed her Mooseship that the word was formed from the prefix ‘cauda’ meaning a tail and the suffix, ‘ectomy’ signifying removal.
On a point of linguistics, Mr Threadbare pointed out that ‘cauda-’ was Latin and ‘-ectomy’ was Greek, so the word was a hybrid which, he claimed, had no place in a
British court, generally referred to removal of dogs’ tails anyway, and moved that the case be thrown out. Mr Beanz objected on the grounds that this was a court of law not etymology and the case continued. Mr Threadbare outlined his defence argument saying that he would be bringing evidence that the rodents were pursuing or ‘running after’ his client and her actions were in self-defence. On a point of order, Mr Beanz asked how the court was expected to believe that blind mice could pursue anything, but Mr Threadbare asserted they have an excellent sense of smell. Furthermore, he said, the jury will hear evidence that one of the three had previously run up a clock but was startled and ran down when the clock struck one o’clock, which was before the alleged incident with Mrs Farmer.
Mr Beanz asked what on earth that had to do with the case and Mr Threadbare said that a mouse, particularly a blind one running down a clock in panic, could easily have become entangled and lost his tail that way. The hearing was adjourned pending the arrival of a horologist to study the clock. The case continues.