BEACHCOMBER
103 YEARS OLD AND STILL AVOIDING THE ISSUE...
TODAY we have the Minister for Question Avoidance, Sir Dithrin Spokesman, responding to questions from the media. And our first question comes from Beachcomber of the Daily Express:
Beachcomber (on a video link from his sunbed): “Sir Dithrin, may I ask why you give so few direct answers to questions?” Spokesman: “Yes, you may.”
B: “Thank you for such a direct answer. In that case, my question is why do you so rarely give direct answers?”
S: “That’s a good question. A very good question, if I may say so, and I am very glad you asked it. You have identified a very important issue and I shall be glad to put the record straight on this vital matter. Er, what was your question again?”
B: “I asked why you don’t answer our questions.”
S: “Latest research shows that when people ask questions, they are most content when they receive answers, so it is our policy always to provide answers, whether to the questions posed or answers to totally different questions.
I hope that answers your question. Or another question, as the case may be.”
B: “Can you be precise about when you answer the question posed and when it’s something totally different?”
S: “Our response pattern is governed by what interrogologists call the R number. That’s R for R-nswer. A ratio of answers to questions. We try to keep R as close as possible to 1, to match the number of answers to the number of questions as far as possible.”
B: “Surely it’s A for A-nswer, not R.” S: “I’m glad you brought that up and I’m happy to make it clear that phonetically, it’s R for R-nswer.”
B: “Finally, I must ask what is the current value of R?”
S: “The figure this morning was 1.3 which indicates that we are providing some 30 per cent more answers than questions, which I think is something in which we can take pride, even if our answers don’t answer the questions put to us.”
B: “So what percentage of those answers were answers to the questions posed?”
S: “You said ‘finally’ two questions ago and I must hold you to that in order to let others ask questions for me to ignore. But time has run out, so thank you all.”