BEACHCOMBER

103 YEARS OLD AND STILL TWO MILLENNIA OUT OF DATE…

THE year was 47BC and Julius Caesar, known as “the Emperor”, was rapidly being seen as the most powerful man in the civilised world. His reputation, however, was threatened by allegations about a trip to Turkey he made which was said to have broken Italian lockdown regulations.

The press had found a letter Mr Caesar had written to the Roman senate referring to his quick victory at the Battle of Zela in which he had proudly claimed “Veni, Vidi, Vici” (I came, I saw, I conquered), which indicated that he had travelled by chariot to Zela, more than 2,000km from Rome.

“Well of course, I went there,” Mr Caesar said, “and my actions were fully in accordance with military guidelines. I did what any responsible emperor would do.

“Invasion of another country is not something one should do without taking a good look first and my actions were perfectly reasonable as one cannot see Turkey from Rome without making the trip.”

However, in both 55BC and 54BC, Mr Caesar had attempted invasions of Britain and these “military adventures”, as his critics described them, have been portrayed as earlier breaches of lockdown.

The British, after all, had voted against joining Mr Caesar’s plans of a federal Europe known as the Roman Empire and invading them was by many not seen as a legitimate negotiating tactic. Mr Caesar denied that he had travelled to Britain, or even seen it across the Channel, and his trip to France was just to test his eyesight as he was worried, as mentioned, by not being able to see Turkey from Rome. “I did what any responsible commanding officer in my position would do,” he said,

“and stayed in my chariot on the French Riviera while awaiting reports from my officers of the view from Calais. This was not a veni-vidi-vici adventure, as some have alleged, but a joint coveni-covidicovici, we met, we saw together, we triumphed together, joint enterprise, fully in accordance with international agreements.

“Anyway, it wasn’t so much an invasion as the opening of trade talks in preparation for Britain’s joining or leaving the Roman Empire as the case may be.”

Two millennia later Britain was hit by an epidemic that some now say had its origins in Italy and was brought over by Caesar’s Covidi-55 strategy all those years ago.