Perfect recipe for drama

IKNOW I say this quite a lot, mostly because it’s side-splittingly funny, but I’m amazed there aren’t more food poisoning outbreaks on CELEBRITY MASTERCHEF (BBC1, 9pm). If I were Gregg Wallace or John Torode, the last place I’d be putting some of the stuff these people cook would be in my actual mouth.

Tonight we begin the last of this year’s heats, and these final five contestants – Judy Murray, Sir Matthew Pinsent, Crissy Rock, Riyadh Khalaf and Pete Wicks (yes, that was my reaction as well…) – sound like the scariest bunch so far. “I’m out of my comfort zone,” warns Matthew.

“My kids reckon I’m the worst cook in the world,” admits Judy.

“I’m just gonna make some sort of sweet mess,” suggests Pete.

“I served a chicken kiev medium rare,” confesses Riyadh.

“You’re looking at a woman who put a jelly in the oven,” reveals Crissy.

Is it just me, recalling Celebrity MasterChefs of old through rose-tinted spectacles, or weren’t expectations once a little higher on this show, competence-wise?

Wasn’t the typical line-up a collection of famous folk with at least a hint of culinary flair, eager to take it to the next level?

I’m sure it was. Where as now you’re considered a show-off if you happen to know the recipe for toast.

Having said that, a couple of tonight’s contestants do make quite a remarkable first impression. I’m not allowed to reveal which ones, or else Gregg will send the heavies round and it’ll all get rather unpleasant again, but one celebrity’s opening effort leaves the judges utterly wowed.

“Believe me when I say, that is a really fantastic dish,” Gregg tells them, “and one of the best starts I’ve seen on Celebrity MasterChef. That is fabulous.”

And John isn’t going to argue with that. “I concur,” he says. “I am really, really impressed.”

Elsewhere, just so you’re warned in advance, I’m afraid the final part of the wonderful BEARS ABOUT THE HOUSE (BBC2,

8pm) – the documentary that’s been following conservationist Giles Clark as he fights the illegal wildlife trade – takes rather a distressing turn.

In his absence, Giles’s pioneering bear sanctuary in Laos becomes the target for a break-in, leaving him distraught.

It only serves to underline the importance of his mission.

Also tonight, PAUL O’GRADY FOR THE LOVE OF DOGS: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT (ITV, 8pm) is the first of a three-part catch-up series. Among episode one’s highlights is Paul being reunited with a Staffie-boxer cross he briefly fostered six years ago.

Ready to sob your heart out? Marvellous.