BEACHCOMBER
103 YEARS OLD AND STILL FULL OF GOOD ADVICE…
FOLLOWING my recent mention of the correct dress code for burglars wearing two masks, for disguise and health, the Government has issued welcome clarification of the matter. The following regulations apply to all burglars, robbers, safe-crackers, larcenists, thieves, pilferers and muggers (excluding those who work outdoors), who choose to wear masks to disguise their identities or, in the case of identity theft, the identities of their victims.
As previously advised, the disguise mask should be worn outside the protective mask when both are in use. This mask order will be mandatory in all enclosed private spaces, other than the home of the miscreant, including supermarkets, shops, banks and the premises of other financial institutions which the miscreant intends to rob.
In the case of take-away robberies, the purloined goods must be placed in a sack, bag, case, valise or similar container clearly marked with the word “SWAG” in capital letters. A SWAG bag is not required for nefarious activities that do not come under the usual take-away criterion, such as fraud, embezzlement and most varieties of cybercrime where there is no physical transfer of the proceedings of theft other than electronically. In such cases, stolen data should be stored in a file marked “electronic swag”.
In all cases, where the criminal is apprehended by the police and asked to remove their disguise mask for identification purposes, they should immediately comply. Although disguise masks are not recommended outdoors, an exception may be made in the case of drivers of getaway vehicles while they are waiting with the engine running. Such drivers are within their rights if they refuse to take passengers wearing facecoverings, for fear they may be driving the wrong criminals away from the scene.
There are exceptions for children under 11 (for details, see Charles Dickens: Collected Works) or when a criminal intends to visit a fancy-dress party after the crime and is wearing a third mask for that purpose. In such circumstances, the criminal is advised to remove the disguise mask before donning the fancy-dress mask or the whole outfit may become too cumbersome. Normal regulations for masque masks will then apply.